Tag: life

2027 Album of the Year

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The Grammy’s the coveted award that the majority of musicians, songwriters, producers, and artists strive to achieve. As 2026 is on the last turn to finish out the year, I’d like to make a prediction that I. myself am surprised to say. Olive Rodrigo will most likely sweep the Grammy’s or at least win “Album Of The Year”

If you would have asked me two years ago if Olivia would be in a Grammy position, I would have said no. Not because she isn’t talented… she is extremely talented but it was her team. Bad decisions left and right. Just let the girl write her own shit. I gotta be honest, I was tired of her music sounding like so many other artists songs. From Taylor Swift, Paramore, Elvis Costello, David Byrne, The Breeders… and so on. There was just a mess that her team was leading her in to with the last two albums. It was frustrating to watch. The money this girl lost on her first album because of copyrights is kinda wild. Her team let her down and I was losing hope that it would stunt her growth as an artist.

Then Rodrigo’s third album “You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love” hits the scene. I was hesitant…I’m so glad I gave it a whirl. This album is fantastic. Her writing contributions make it a solid album. Orchestrations… perfect. This is an album loaded with hits and I believe it will get its flowers at the Grammy’s in 2027. This year, so far, Rodrigo has a clear path to take it … unless someone surprise releases something by the end of the year. Even if Taylor Swift releases “Debut (Taylor’s Version)” … which is rumored to happen by the end of the year… I don’t think she’s gonna come close to Rodrigo’s “YSPSFAGSIL”

Some of my favorites from this album: Drop Dead, Stupid Song, Honeybee, The Cure, Expectations, What’s Wrong With Me Cigarette Smoke, Less, and Begged. Keep in mind.. this is almost the whole album and the ones I didn’t list aren’t bad either. They are pretty damn good. The Stand Out songs for me are: Stupid Song, Honeybee, and Expectations. These songs are a combo of great song writing, great arrangements, great producing, and great performance from Rodrigo in her range, talent, and emotion.

The chorus in “Stupid Song” is absolute perfection and I am obsessed with it actually. It doesn’t leave my brain and every time I hear it I cry, I sing out, and it also makes me feel like an electric charge just zaps my system. Brilliant arrangement on this one too.

“Expectations”. I loved this song my first listen. Then as of last night, she dropped a remix with Chappell Roan and I didn’t know that I needed a remix of this song. Chappell”s voice and spunk gives it an extra twist and kick that wasn’t needed… but damn it’s much appreciated. Normally, I’m never a fan of a remix collab. “Bad Guy” with Billie Eilish & Justin Bieber… that mix almost ruined the original for me. Two talented people but a remix that didn’t need to happen. Rodrigo & Roan (which sounds like a 70’s Cop Show) hit this remix hard and bring a lot of fun to the track. The video is pretty great too!

“Honey Bee”. This fucking song. I can’t even listen to it without becoming a puddle on the floor. From the first note… it launches you into memories and a time when you first fell in love and then it drags your heart across the asphalt with the chorus to rub it in on how much true love can hurt yet reminds you how beautiful that feeling is or was. By the last time the chorus comes around, I am fucking done. Just when you think … nah that doesn’t hurt anymore, I’m good now… this song gives you a karate chop to the heart and a swift kick in the ass that will Hotwire your memories and take them for a joy ride… which leads you back to “Stupid Song”.

Well played Olivia. Well played.

I’m so impressed with this album. I’m proud of Rodrigo and her growth as an artist. I’m proud of how she takes her popularity and platform and does good hearted things with it. The artistry in the writing, the direction of her music videos, the thought that has gone into her stage show…. She is impressive.

A 2027 Grammy (or a collection of them) will be well deserved.

Just like a Bird

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With Tropical Storm Rachel making her way into our neck of the woods, the skies are grey, the wind is blowing, and the rain is starting to fall. I WISH it was just about 10 degrees cooler because I was soooo ready to break out my sweatshirts & boots. Sadly, I live in AZ so all we are getting is a little break and a lot of humidity.

Driving to work the wind was blowing every which way. I can’t tell you how many little birdies were just flying in circles and even swooping down towards moving vehicles! Poor little birdies! I felt so bad for them… they looked utterly panicked and confused. I even saw a bat near the natural history museum. No telling where he was resting but he obviously was disturbed and was just flying around frantically.

I’m a huge weather nerd and LOVE to watch storm chasers. Have you ever seen a hurricane on radar and it shows you light green, dark green, orange and red… all indicating sever weather fluctuations with rain and wind speed. There is a color on the radar during a hurricane (sometimes it’s yellow, purple, I’ve even seen pink ) these colors show the debris in the middle of the hurricane but do you know most of it is birds! These poor birds are just flying in circles because they are trapped in the hurricane. That is so sad to me. Their poor little wings just flapping away until they tire out. It’s so sad.

Our tour is canceled for the evening but we still have an event late night tonight. So.. it’s me people watching as they scurry through the rain AND taking a breather. This time of year is crazy for our little business and this year has been more busy than ever. Last night, we almost needed two security people. Now I’m scrambling to find some extra help on Halloween night because of how busy we were last night. I wish people could just behave and be decent but we had a lady (from a Mountain View 1986 class reunion) come in and sit her dumb ass on a wheel chair from the 1800’s. I mean… what the fuck lady. It says DO NOT TOUCH. As a Red Mountain -Mountain Lion I can safely say… “fuck that Mountain View Toro”. Her name was Pam. Now we’ll call any annoying woman that enters our store that acts a fool: CODE PAM

I’m running on not much sleep, lots of caffeine, and a wing and a prayer. So much to do… not enough time to accomplish everything. I feel much like those birds flying around on radar….. just flapping my wings aimlessly and hoping to get to my next destination.

Have a good weekend & stay safe everyone.

A tropical storm and hurricane walk into a bar….

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Screenshot from weather channel

Well… it’s not that often (especially in Arizona) that we can say that we are keeping a close eye on the weather as Tropical Storm Rachel and Hurricane Simon are moving towards us. Normally, I would welcome the cooler temps, light rain, and thunderstorms. Any crazy weather California and Mexico receive always makes it beautiful in our neck of the woods… or should I say desert? Unfortunately, especially during this time of year, this weather is wreaking havoc on our work. Over $1500 from guests have already been moved to different dates because they are worried about rain ruining their plans. Some guests are just hanging in there in hopes that our ever-changing weather will cooperate. I’ve seen all late morning and early afternoon rescheduling clients or talking to them over the phone.

This hurricane season is chaos. When have you ever seen so many hurricanes or tropical storms hanging out in the Pacific Ocean?? So wild. It’s crazy when all 3 weather apps give you complete opposite information on the weather. I’ve said it before…Why the hell to do we have weather people if they can only tell us when it’s raining as it’s raining?? It’s like… Thanks Captain Obvious for the heads up! Looking at the weather today on all three apps, it goes from a “light rain” to ” hurricane winds and flooding”. I’m traumatized by these forecasts. It’s like being in some sort of twisted love triangle with someone that says they love you and then repeatedly treats you like you are disposable garbage. Make up your fucking mind weather person… am I gonna need to sandbag locations and work through heavy winds or is the clouds going to spit on me a bit? What are we doing here… throw me a bone why don’t you. Better yet, can all of you weather apps get on the same page for crying out loud? It’s like one of you gave your forecast and the others are just saying the opposite just so they can have a 50-50 chance of being correct. That is wild.

Also, random side note, I saw a ghost last night while cleaning our new location. Yes. We knew it was haunted BUT have I ever saw something with my own eyes there… nope … not in the 2 years I’ve been going in and out of that place at all times of the day. I was washing my hands at the sink, looked up in the mirror (and just like a fucking horror film ) this woman was behind me. Needless to say… I was a bit startled. I tried every which way to debunk what I saw but I couldn’t. I saw a young woman in a white dress, with a belt around her waist, and long auburn hair. You bet I’m going to look through records and photos of everyone that has lived at that location to see if I see this woman. I definitely was not surprised to see her but I also was surprised. I dunno…. I have mixed feelings about it I guess. Tonight we will be going back with some staff to see if we run into her again. Crazy weather partnered with the veil thinning this time of year… sounds like a fun Friday night to me!

Well, I have a group of teens that just walked into our gift shop and a lot of these crazy kiddos have sticky fingers downtown …. not all .. but most. We always get stickers, pins, crystals, jewelry, randomly missing after they leave. hahaha! Crazy ass kids. On a brighter note, we always get the bands that come into town to play at the music venues. It’s always fun meeting them. One time, they brought us some toe tags and signed them. It was such a sweet gesture. I love when they come in and tour the place and buy our stickers to put on their tour bands and vans. So fun!

Ok.. babbled enough…

I hope you all are doing well and that you aren’t getting horrible weather with everything going on. Everyone stay safe, have fun, and have a great weekend!

It’s BIG

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We did it.. big plans, meant big decisions, which lead to big moves.. and BOOM!! We are opening a second location. You may ask yourself …. “why in the hell would you add a location in this economy??” Trust me, if we weren’t sought after with an amazing offer.. we wouldn’t have done it. It was too good to pass up and it’s a location filled with history that we want to preserve.

Since there was some unforeseen issues, the place isn’t having a cleaning team come in prior to us opening. Which means… Thursday is just me, a bunch of cleaning supplies, good tunes, and pray for me that they turned the electric on so I have air conditioning. It’s SUPPOSE to have happened but sometimes you just never know.

We try to keep it under wraps until everything was solidified but the city is already asking us questions, congratulating us and word is starting to spread around town. Big City… Small Downtown haha!

My anxiety has never been so high and I’m pretty freaked out. This lovely historic place is going to get a lot of TLC. From the fountains, to the pomegranate & pecan trees, to the old wood floors, and the spirits that reside in this location… I’m nervous, excited, scared, and to be honest exhausted.

They say “if your goals don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough”. Well.. I”m fucking scared.

Never in a million years would I have thought that we would be opening up a second location. That we would be joining forces to create bigger and cooler shit. What an incredible journey and learning experience this all has been. Life looks so different now and I’ve never been so laser focused on wants & needs. What was so important to me three years ago, is not even on my radar. Things that I thought I could never handle or navigate.. I’m learning each day and growing from it. To just sit and take a look at what our little small business has built is just absolutely wild… and there is so much more to come!.

My next big goal (this will take awhile) but is to live Downtown. Now keep in mind, I live there now. BUT…. I wanna be closer to the action. I wanna hear the music from the venues, hear the traffic on Main Street & the light rail fly by, see all the people coming and going… I want to be in the middle of it all. Words can’t express enough how much I adore my life. Sure … I’m stressed a bit. Yes… I’m fucking scared. No… I don’t have all the answers. But I am having the time of my life.

I hope your big hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, and aspirations find you and give you the biggest hug. Stay strong out there folks. Lean on your community. Do the things that make you happy but also scare the shit outta ya. Those feelings and thoughts are proof that you are growing and stepping out of your comfort zone. On the other side of fear is a lot of joy. Wishing you all the best!

Pleasure & Pain

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I was deep in thought with my peach green tea today (while I was scrolling through The Weather Channel app) and I got so excited to see the cooler temps coming up with the potential of a few days of off and on rain. As I opened the radar to look at the weather at a wider glance, I soon realized that the cause for our soon-to-be beautiful weather is cause by other parts of the country having absolutely chaotic and destructive weather. When I was looking in my own bubble, all seemed well… but taking a wider look at things showed me the cause and effect that never crossed my mind at that moment. I was just excited to bring a sweater to work or to open my windows at night. Instant gratification blinds us sometimes. On your path, everything could. look amazing but looking down the path behind you.. could be a lot of destruction some that could possibly take years for that area to heal.
It’s crazy that one persons pleasure could be the cause or effect of another’s pain. The ying & yang of life is truly wild. While you’re celebrating your promotion, someone else is going home to tell their spouse that they have to keep their day job. While you’re celebrating your big wedding day with family and friends, someone could be wandering around the mall heartbroken that they lost the love of their life. Damn… life is crazy.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally cool to celebrate the wins in life. Hell … it’s rare we get them, right?
I just can’t help to feel a LITTLE bit of guilt being happy about something knowing that it could be effecting someone else so differently. It kinda takes the wind out of my sails a bit.
In my current situation, we have a chance to expand our business. It’s a good deal, they sought us out but the kicker is, this was a friend of ours location that they lost. So.. it’s hard to get excited knowing a friend of yours has lost a business that they loved and cared about for 14 years. They definitely lost it, they can’t take care of it, they sort of fled the location… but still my heart hurts for them.
Good things are happening but they are also scary because of all responsibilities that could be coming our way. Are we able to handle of it? Can we handle running a historic location with a lot of landscaping duties… this is an area I know nothing about. I can’t tell you how many plants I’ve deceased. I once killed $130 of carpet roses (ones that are suppose to be indestructible). Totally killed them in 4 days.
Also.. irrigation.. I don’t understand and can not comprehend how all that works. I feel incredibly overwhelmed with stress and I want to feel excited. I truly do.
There are so many opportunities and my mind just wants to focus on the welfare of certain people in my life. I want them to be safe and happy and most importantly healthy. Life is coming at us so quickly… and its full ups and downs. I guess all we can do is hold on and hold on to each other as tight as we can through it all. I just want to see the one’s I love be happy and to feel loved as much as possible.
We just gotta be here for each other through the pleasure and the pain.


Rainy Day Schedule …(and an update)

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There has been a sudden change in plans for today. The weather has decided it wants to play hard ball and give us a little rain this evening. This means… our evening tour is cancelled and moved to a different day, it’s going to be a very slow day at the shop, and I will get to close at 7pm tonight instead of gettin home after 10pm. So it’s going to be an afternoon of chillaxin’ here at the shop and the most exciting thing that may happen down here is watching the skateboarders fly around the sidewalks. I gotta figure out what to do with my time because this may be a very long 3 hours. Although it sucks for business, I do love this kind of weather. It’s my favorite actually. When the sun goes down it’s going to be awesome out and it will feel a little like fall.

I can see the wind picking up a bit and it just makes me happy. I’d be happy with light rain, the kind you can walk around in, and some good lightening and thunder. Although my one cat is terrified of thunder, the other one loves sitting in my window and watching the storms. When I was in my late teens and early 20’s, I would just get something to drink and go find an dimly lit and empty parking lot, turn on some good tunes, recline my seat back a bit and just enjoy the lightening. It was such an endorphin boost!
Maybe I’ll do that this evening? Give my mind and soul a little reset and boost. That sounds fun.

Well… today I’ve already spent the late morning and early afternoon dealing with some heavy business decisions with the direction we are taking next. Plus discussing Taylor Swift’s new Encore album dropping on Friday… because that is a very important topic around here. Now… I dunno? Clean the windows? Clean out my inbox? Make content? Or just veg out, drink coffee, and chill at the front desk. A Rainy Day schedule always throws a day for a loop.


What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day schedule?

A WTF UPDATE:

Ok it’s 3 hours later and let me just say… what the hell weather channel? Why can’t you “weather” people pull it together?? You have a 50/50 chance of being right and you fucked it up today. We cancelled everything for tonight and it didn’t rain one drop. Why on earth did I trust you?

Damn it.

I’m too trusting and believe people at their word. Story of my life. 🙄

On A Rainy Day

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Ms. Shirley Manson said it best “I’m only happy when it rains”. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I do love a good rainy day. I had a brunch meeting before my work day started and I ran out my door without any packing any food or snacks for the day. I didn’t even time for coffee!
Ugh I know … it’s criminal.

A cloudy day downtown

It’s so hard to get out of bed on a rainy day. I could have easily fell back asleep for another couple hours. There is just something about the feel, the smell, the color palette of a rainy good rainy day. Since I drug my ass all morning, I ultimately was running late and had to haul ass out the door to even make it on time for the meeting. Rainy days usually means it’s going to be a slow business days. So… for the next four hours it will be just me, music, and some catching up on computer work. I’m not mad it.

Before you start saying… “hey your work doesn’t pay you to just slack off and hang out”. My answer to that is … of course not.. what am I a congressman? Also, I co-own the business so everyone relax. It’s perfectly normal for me to work and then wander off for coffee, a good gluten free muffin, artisan soaps, jewelry … or just shooting the shit with the neighboring businesses. Sometimes I’m here for 12 hours between working the desk to running an event… it’s a long friggin’ day so LAY OFF!! hahaha!
But today… there isn’t many people wandering around and it’s pretty quiet. I tried to get my son to stop by after his shift at the bakery but even he was like…”meh.. I’m going to the library.” Man… even the library is more exciting than what’s going on over here.

Rainy days are meant for cozy blankets, a comfy space, a good movie or album, some tea or coffee, and a slice of pie or a good piece of pumpkin sourdough with lots of butter. I would say soup.. but we aren’t there yet. The temps are still too high for all that but in a month it will be grilled cheese & tomato soup time. Although… it was 102 and I had a grilled cheese on jalapeño sourdough. Not gonna lie.. it’s was pretty damn good. There is just something about purchasing sandwiches or a loaf of sourdough from a local bakery that just tastes better.

What are. your rainy go-to activities? Do you enjoy a rainy day?

Well, I’m gonna actually get some work done but I’m wishing you all the best.
Have a great day!

Happiness… what brings you happiness?

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Life is so topsy turvy. It’s hard to see the good sometimes (there is so much shit going on with some horrid people running around the earth) but I make an effort to get up in the morning and TRY to see the good. If not.. I will lose my fucking mind. Anyone else feel like we are in a bad Netflix mini series?
I mean.. what the actual fuck?
So what is happiness? What makes you focus on the good and not plummet into the bell jar?
For me, a good night’s sleep is worth everything. If I’m not sleeping well, I get super crabby the first day and I will cry the second day. After a very crazy summer of small business survival, calling the cops on a crazy obsessed stalker weirdo, a social media blow up for our business, lots of meetings with the city, revelations on the next step in business, and getting ready for our busy season… the last three months have been a whirlwind.
These past two days, I have been happy, lighter, more relaxed. I’ve been getting some great sleep (microdosing has been my saving grace). Since I’m an incredible light weight, that tiny dose knocks me out from 8 to 10 hours. Today I woke up at 7:30am, did some social media marketing, worked out, showered, had a cup of coffee with breakfast, got ready and checked in at work. Luckily, Tuesdays are typically my day off. I got to stop in to see my son at the bakery and grabbed an iced tea and then headed home to light some candles and do some computer work. Can I just say… I LOVE living in a small downtown. There is nothing like my little downtown area and the people there. It brings me great joy to stroll into the coffee shop before going to work, chatting with the locals and guests coming in excited to be there, then heading to the local bakery grabbing a treat or tea, and then driving down Main Street listening to music. It’s just… perfect in an imperfect world.
I use to be super hyper-focused on making people happy but I think for the first time in a very very long time… I want to make myself happy. Learning what makes YOU happy is a crazy feeling. You should know what makes you happy…. right?


What makes me happy lately:
Amy Poehler’s “Good Hang” Podcast • Kitties/Puppies * Fresh Flowers * Great Coffee * Great Iced Tea * Simon’s Cakes * Vanilla Candles * A great chunky platform shoe * A cozy oversized sweater * My weighted stuffed bunny * A great nap * People laughing * Putting my hair in braids * Fall and everything about it * Lightening Storms * 80’s & 90’s alternative music * Anything about Taylor Swift or Tori Amos * When the feral stray cats in my apartment complex want to hang with me * A great stick of incense * videos of people getting fitted for their hearing device and hearing for the first time * videos of people surprising their kids with a Disney trip * Give me all the perfume, powders and body oil.. can’t get enough * A great fuzzy blanket on a rainy day * Turning on all the fans in my bedroom on high, climbing under the covers, and listening to my fave sleep channel on Youtube * Coloring books and art supplies * Clouds * Meteor Showers * Sitting on a patio in Sedona and just enjoying the view in the fall or spring *
a great sad song with fantastic lyrics… and last but certainly not least… my son and what an incredible person he is.

Sure… this isn’t everything but they are on the top of the list. What’s on your list? When you look at the world and everything going on… what brings you happiness and away from feeling numb to situations happening around you?

Wishing you all much happiness and I hope you are surrounded by people that unconditionally love you.
Have a great day!

Coachella and other random thoughts

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Hello. It’s been awhile. My life has taken a serious detour and I’m not sure if I will ever get back on the road I was going down. Things are so … different. It’s hard to find joy in most things lately. Things seems so.. trivial and pointless compared to the state of the world we live in.
I want to do my normal content and chat with you about Coachella … but even that seems silly.
Plus, I wasn’t really into the set list this year. Don’t get me wrong, I did watch some of it and what I saw was pretty good. Coachella use to feel like a celebration to me… now it seems … like a cute bandaid. Effective yet utterly pointless. How did I get here?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I find myself crying over a stray cat on the side of the street, buying pink accessories for myself, my home, my car and to secretly wanting one of these crazy ass people downtown to come in and do something stupid just so I can take our bat and swing for their head.
Sweetly Violent… I guess? Is that a thing?
I’m so worried about the state of our world… worried about war, worried about my kid who’s the age they want if there’s a draft, worried if my business will make it through this shit, worried if I have enough money to survive this shit, worried that people are just going to get worse… my mind can’t focus on anything but the words “what the fuck”
How did the country get here? Well out of 42% of people surveyed didn’t know that Lay’s potato chips were made from potatoes. So … there’s that. Oh! Or how about that there is a thing floating online called “Rape Academy” that’s been viewed over 60 million times and it has a chat room where guys ask other guys advice about slipping women drugs and making sure they give them enough to knock them our but not make them over dose. Some of those men also have uploaded videos of them drugging their wives and not only having sex with them but having other men come over and have sex with them…
As someone who has been sexually assaulted as a child and an adult.. I am completely horrified.
Its funny the chaos and hurt a man gave inflict on a woman and then turn around and tell her she should
do better or act better or look better… Fuck man… surviving almost killed me, I’m just grateful to be here today.
I tried to focus on Coachella… I barely watched a third of it.
But what the fuck, I’ll drop my two cents anyways and give a shot.
Every year, I find a band I have never really heard of before or have heard of them but hadn’t listen to their music. This year, I got introduced to Wet Leg. I love them. They are great and I’m looking forward to diving into their discography more. Laufey performed and I was so pleased with her performance. She truly is such a talent. I tuned in to Bieber, both weeks. 1st week.. started out rough. I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen and if he was even gonna be able to finish the set. 2nd week… was really good. He seemed really happy and like a weight had been lifted. I feel like he really needed that and it made me happy to see him in his element and having fun. Sabrina Mother Fucking Carpenter… I mean… holy shit. That was 2 epic weekends for her. Loved the Thelma and Louise cameos, loved that Will Ferrel was out there doing what he does best, but the 2nd weekend she brings out fucking Madonna. What?!?!?
Anyone that truly knows me KNOWS I love me some fucking Madonna and this performance didn’t disappoint. I missed Lykke Li, The xx, Devo, and many many more. I just couldn’t keep up and didn’t have the energy to keep up with it this year.
Speaking of energy … I’m tired.. mentally, and physically .
Maybe I’ll feel up to it tomorrow.. good night.

Surviving Out Of Spite

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Well… it’s been awhile but it feels like seconds. This past month has been gut wrenching. I’m currently going through my things trying to figure out what I can sell so I can buy groceries and put money towards the rent I don’t have. Needless to say, business isn’t going well. The economy is fucked and life is a dumpster fire. But hey… the season finale of Stranger Things is out, Taylor Swift has a documentary and a concert movie coming out this month, (Distractions. They’re beautiful things. At this point .. ignorance is bliss.) It’s cool enough to wear sweatshirts most of the day, and that Mormon lady that is on that dreadful reality tv show and then didn’t win Dancing With The Stars is going to play Roxie Heart in Chicago ( I just want to say I called this before it was announced. I said “someone should tap this chick to play Roxie in Chicago”… 4 days later it was announced)

Psychic? Maybe? I’m just fucking with you. Not psychic. BUT I do know the musical Chicago extremely well. It was a given she was going to be the next Roxie especially after the Free Dance performance on DWTS Which was fucking wild!

I’m depressed. How do I know I’m depressed? I’m tired. I’ve been binge watching shows. Besides crying every day. The stress is a lot.

Have you ever felt like nothing you do is good? Like… it’s not just me thinking that. I’ve had many just push me aside and basically show me that I’m nothing and not worth it. They can act however they want or be whoever they want and I have to be … perfect . Like all the time. Because if I’m not… if I can’t make magic happen, or give them exactly what they want, or act however they want me to act, then I’m not worth it. It doesn’t matter what they do … or what they don’t do. it always matters what I do or how I react to what they do. It’s confusing and disheartening.

The stress is coming down on me so hard most of the time .. it hurts to breathe. So I don’t want to breathe. It’s just a lot right now. People say.. it’s gonna get better. I think it’s beyond that by now.

Between the pressure of business coming to a slow crawl, the holidays reminding me that I don’t have any family (don’t get me wrong, I have my so. And he’s great but there isn’t a family here ) , I can’t buy Christmas presents, and on top of ME letting myself down… again. It’s just a lot.

It’s hard to listen to people complain about their family gatherings. What I wouldn’t give to talk to family over dinner or sitting around a fire, playing a board game or something…. The silence is so very loud at times.

Do you ever wish you could wake up and just be someone else? You could just erase the sadness , the pain, the hurt… and just start over in a different body or life. Maybe I could get it right for once? Maybe I could be successful at something? Maybe I would be worth it? And you could just … forget. Forget about what could have been. Forget about the whys or the hows. Forget that you weren’t good enough. Maybe.

Heartache that sits in silence gets so loud when you are sitting alone and thinking about things. That stabbing dull pain is a reminder that I am not and never was worth it. It’s as loud as a freight train.

I try so hard to do the right thing. To be the right way. But it all turns to shit because it doesn’t matter. It’s like having the carpet ripped out from underneath you time, and time, and time again… and I’m so stupid.. I just keep getting up and running knowing my fate. How stupid is that?

I’m not even sure what I’m good at anymore. I suck at business, I suck at cooking, I suck at organization, I suck at doing taxes, I suck at friendships, I suck at love, I just can’t remember what I’m even good at?!

And I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the “don’t give up” motto. I’m tired of “think positive good things will come.. it’s gonna get better”. I’m so tired of pretending I’m ok.

I’m not ok. I’m really stressed. And I’m so sad. I feel frozen in fear because I don’t know what to do or how to make anything work. It’s like I’m falling backwards off a high cliff without a parachute or plan.

A lot of people will tell you “she’s so strong” , “she’s overcome do much”, “she can handle it … she’s tough”. They have no idea how much it hurts. The scars that are forever on my soul and my heart. The empty feeling I feel when I’m laying here staring at my ceiling fan wishing I would just sink into my bed and through the floor and into the center of the earth to hide from the utter hopelessness I feel. I’m not tough by choice… it is a survival technique. When you’re abandoned, violated, lied to, forgotten, and abused… you learn that you need to be tough. But … I’ve had to be tough as long as I can remember… and now… I’m tired.

I don’t want to be tough anymore. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t care so that I feel better. I don’t want to act like peoples actions or words don’t bother the fuck outta me… I don’t want to.

I see really horrible fucking people be successful, make a decent wage to stay alive , they find a true love that they can dance in the kitchen with until they’re old and gray and can’t walk anymore, people that get treated with respect and kindness even though they are fucking brutal…. I don’t know what I’ve done. But I’ve done something to deserve this pain and for people to just forget I’m here. Because I am here and they are not.

I’ve always found myself (from a little kid until now) asking myself … “when will I matter?” I’m kinda tired of asking that actually. There is never an answer. Which gives me my answer.

If it’s written in the stars for me to be nothing or mean nothing… who am I to argue? why think anything good is ever going to stick with me? It will go away too.

Sometimes it’s easier to stop trying or caring because the reality is… it doesn’t matter.

But…

I still have a little flicker of hope. What once burned so incredibly bright… it’s just a flicker of something … reminding me to take a deep breath, get some water, take a shower, lay down for a nap, and tomorrow is another day to try again. It’s a small flicker but it’s there.

Maybe…one day… those stars will finally align and those dark empty feelings will be flooded with laughter, music, and light again? Maybe I will figure out everything I’ve done wrong and learn what to do right? maybe.

Stress, Worry, Fear, and Sadness are sitting with me, myself, and I … as I worry myself sick tonight about the how’s and what’s of tomorrow.

All there is… is a little flicker of hope .

Song of the moment… The Prophecy

https://youtu.be/iQLSxbe2cJE?si=yfVc0vGR5x1taXzH