My mom passed when I turned 16 years old. I didn’t have much family, so needless to say when she passed, things got messy and life was much harder.

I fought through it every step of the way. Learning to trust people and making mistakes of trusting people through my journey was such a great lesson and it took me fucking a loooong ass time to put things in perspective & get things right.

I had one dream of my mom when she passed. I was in high school and so angry that she was gone. I was so angry I had to go live with my abusive – pedophile- alcoholic father and his lush of a girlfriend. My brother was so young at the time and I regret not being there for him because he probably was feeling the same. But I stayed away from that house as much as humanly possible. I have a lot of guilt for that but I was trying to survive and was a kid.

When my mother came to me in my dream as a kid, I yelled at her for leaving. I would regret that action for almost 35 years. She never visited me again.

Last night. She was in my dream. It was so profound that I woke up overwhelmed, sobbing, and felt every amount of the pain I felt when she passed release from my body at once. I saw faces of generations before me and she told me “you broke the curse” and they all seemed so free. When I woke up , although a complete emotional mess, I felt free. Many generations of women from my family stayed in abusive & dangerous relationships. They stayed because they didn’t think they could do it on their own. Trust me there are days that I feel like I can’t do it on my own. But here I am, trying. I think just trying makes it right.

So many people just don’t want to try. Is it because they are afraid? Are they just lazy? Do they not feel worthy? Or were many of the women in my family “trained” to feel this way? So many questions that I have no idea what the answer is.

When she outstretched her arms and placed her hands on my face… I looked right into her face. A face I haven’t seen in 35 years. She looked right into my eyes. I’ve never felt so much love and felt so much peace in such a long time. It was such a gift and a moment I will always be so grateful for.

Many of the women in my family didn’t make it past 60. I’ll be 52 soon and I keep thinking about life, its lessons, the obstacles, the wins, the challenges… putting things in perspective. I’ve never looked, thought or listened much. I was also in fight or flight survival mode. But there is this sense of peace that has started to settled in.

I’m suppose to be at my business already. But.. I’ve decided to get there later, let myself sit in this moment, give myself some time & grace today. It’s hard being your own cheerleader, hero, provider, and emotional support person. Sometimes, I just want to stop and talk about 80’s new wave or kittens and maybe light a great candle or incense and break out a coloring book. I’m so proud of the obstacles I’ve maneuvered around and that I made it through some of the hardest hurts … that may sound kinda weird to say… but I really am. I have goals for the last stage in my life. Not sure if they are obtainable but I’ve never back down from a challenge before, and I don’t really see myself doing that anytime soon.

For now… I will cherish the moment i had with my mother last night and hold on to it tightly. It felt like someone was there for me, cheering me on, reminding me I’m not alone, and reassuring me things will be alright no matter what.

My soul really needed a boost. I am so grateful she showed up for me. ❤️

The world has lost another talent. Tim Curry is known and loved for many of his iconic roles. Obviously Rocky Horror comes to everyone’s mind first.

For me… Tim in “Annie” was the most iconic for me. Being an 80’s kid, Annie was like K-pop Demon Hunters in this day and age . And yes… I’m so old that I’m going to start comparing shit from “back in the day”. Everyone brace yourself for this stage in my life.

Annie was iconic. It came to the screen and so many people talked about. I remember getting the album. It was a trifold kinda thing with a bunch of pictures in it from the movie. I feel like there was a poster too but I may have gotten that somewhere else.

I saw Annie in the movie theater and was already immersed in the performing arts at that time. I was a huge Carol Burnett fan but also loved the talent of Ann Reinking & Bernadette Peters. The movie Annie introduced me to Tim Curry. When the number Easy Street came on. I was absolutely floored! I wanted to create musical numbers like this one. It remains in my top 10 of greatest musical numbers.

Fun fact about Easy Street, the movie version wasn’t suppose to happen. They had put in tons of money on the original choreography and set and recorded a huge number. The director… hated it. They had three icons and they were getting lost in the sauce because the set and dynamic was so big. So they trusted their gut , did rewrites, new choreography, and let those three steal the moment. Damn! What an incredible choice.

Rest in peace Tim. We will all miss you.

https://youtu.be/0T_RKz7Qmug?is=7Xg1pfcDV3N8STmH

Dolly Parton has passed and the world has lost a bright light in this dismal world. My heart is broken as many mourn the passing of an icon, a humanitarian, a protector, and someone that had such a kind heart. Dolly’s generosity was incredible. She was known for helping so many great causes and organizations.

I loved Dolly so much. Growing up in the Midwest and listening to her music from childhood to adulthood. She was 80 years old. It sounds greedy but I wish we had her here longer. Today is a sad day but I will remember how much light & joy she brought into to this world.

I leave you today from one of my favorite movies , favorite scene , and favorite songs.

Goodbye Dolly. Now you will be with the love of your life, Carl. Hold each other tight and embrace that love you held on to for so many years. We will miss you so so much

https://youtu.be/gxR4925msns?is=iJ9oOmMtHuL9Kn8O

Today marks 11years that I’ve been posting on here with Music Love & Coffee. It’s crazy to think that much time has passed.

Thank you for reading my blog, subscribing, sending messages, commenting, and emailing words of encouragement or just checking in. I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness. It means so much.

I know I haven’t been as consistent with posting since leaving the 9 to 5 job and pursuing my own business. Trust me… I have posts coming. They are sitting in drafts and almost ready to be seen. Thank you for your patience during this phase in my life that is focused on looking ahead and not behind, and taking time & care for myself (when my business doesn’t take every second of time or energy 😂).

I always felt that humans have 5 stages in life and hopefully they can experience & survive every one of them. There were days that I thought phase 3 would take me completely out. But… it didn’t. Now I’ve been in stage 4 for about a 8 months. It’s a wild stage. There is a sense of understanding and peace with stages 1-3 but there is also an urgency to prepare for the final stage 5. Which … honestly is scary but for some reason it feels like the universe is finally satisfied and said “ok she finally learned… she’ll be fine” It could be that or the micro-dosing that has put me in a more relaxed and “fuck it , it will work” state a mind.

Stage 1 of my life … no good. Stage 2 of my life …. To be free and delusional is comforting. Stage 3… what an embarrassing mess & I did not have the coping skills to make it through successfully. Stage 4 … it’s a new beginning bookend by the end- Stage 5.

I’m proud of Stage 4 and I haven’t felt that way in a really long time. For Stages 2-3 I always felt like an out cast, a failure, not worth enough, and the punchline of a joke. With Stage 4 … I found out that I’m more than that. I learned who I am. What I want. What I don’t want. I will not make an effort if someone doesn’t care AND I won’t care if someone or something doesn’t make an effort. I will not let people disrespect me. Also, I will not apologize or make an excuses for my mistakes or weaknesses.

What will Stage 5 hold? Not sure? I hope I get to see it and live through it. I am very scared of Stage 5 but …. I don’t want that to overshadow the success and goal of Stage 4.

So …11 years of writing my random thoughts and opinions. It’s been a lot of fun. Thank you for being here.

Much love to you.

Every word of this song takes me back like a Time Machine and drops me off on a dirt road in the middle of what seemed like nowhere.

The outside world didn’t exist. There wasn’t anything pushing or pulling. There was just being present in a time that I didn’t want to end.

What was life times ago, seems like I’m back on the couch watching movies and wishing the outside world would never find us… as this song plays on tonight.

It makes me smile about young and foolish youth. Young hearts run free. Right? It also hurts the deepest of hurt because for a little slice of time, my heart had everything it needed. Which is a beautiful memory…but it does make old wounds have phantom pains.

Life… it has a funny sense of humor. Doesn’t it? Life marches on and as Tori would say “boy your boots made a mess” But in all seriousness, sometimes there is so much beauty in tragedy and a lot of fucking humor. All you can do is shake your head, cry a tear or two, laugh at yourself for crying, do your skin routine, take your vitamins and supplements, and go to bed early.

Eh… tomorrow is another day for a new adventure. Life goes on and on and on.

Lately, I’ve been so disappointed in people’s actions & words. There aren’t many great examples any more of decency. In men mostly. I have mostly seen examples of selfishness, manipulation, judgmental, and all in all shitty behavior. Most Men want attention but don’t want to give any. Most men can look & act like the troll under the bridge , yet they have an opinion on your looks. Most men want you to root for them., cheer them on, applaud for them, and make them feel better…. Yet they don’t feel the need to return any of those things.

You could be winning the biggest accomplishment but since it’s not about them … they feel like you aren’t giving them the attention and the applause that THEY need. Or… you could be at your lowest: the deepest depression, the most pain, the most stress, absolutely scared to death and they will just kick you while you’re down because you aren’t given them what they need at the exact time they need it.

Look pretty, be quiet unless spoken to, give praise even when they have done some pretty heinous shit, accept it when they take credit for any ideas you have given, don’t get sick, be happy and smile, keep up with appearances, be grateful for their presence because they didn’t have to give their attention today.

Look around.

Bad examples of shitty humans are everywhere. They are blowing shit up. Stealing. Lying. Committing crimes and just laughing at everyone because they know it’s acceptable.

Sure. They promise a lot. Until they get what they need or when they don’t get what they want from you. They love you as long as you fit in to the box they have built for you. They care about you , as long as you put them first over everything else. What a disappointment.

Someone, some where , will cry “that’s not fair! Men go through some shitty situations too”. Because they love to remind you of their trauma or their battles. Yet scoff at yours. Don’t forget their “Male Loneliness”.

I’ve given up hope that decent men are abundant in this world. I’ve given up hope that decent women are abundant in this world. As the world is burning, I wish there was a glimmer of hope that someone actually gave a shit.

So … when I need to be reminded of good humans doing good things… these are my Top 10 movies I watch when I need to escape reality and find an alternate world where people give a shit about people.

10. Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

9. Sleepless In Seattle

8. Notting Hill

7. Picture Perfect

6. Shakespeare In Love

5. Reality Bites

4. Some kind of Wonderful

3. Say Anything

2. 50 First Dates or The Wedding Singer

1. When Harry Met Sally

Are these my top movies ever? No.

These are movies that I can finish and go… that was nice, they looked happy, that was sweet, it had that ending that makes you sigh because it was fucking refreshing to witness a good outcome with people that actually fucking care about another person.

These movies I’ve listed have a tough story at times but end up seeing the good in people. True intentions. I wish people (even myself) could see the good more often.

Well, it’s a new day.

I’m sure many of you are feeling the stress of what is going on in the world. There really hasn’t been anything to celebrate, be proud of, or feel good about in quite a long time.

I got gas three days ago- $3.60

Got gas yesterday – $4.20

Good times.

Rent is going up. My rent went uo $100 last year and now it’s most likely going up again. I pay over $1200 in rent.

My grocery bill hasn’t been under $280 in almost a year.

I’m not making any MORE money. In fact, I’m making less and have more bills to pay. Yet prices are consistently going up.

The daily routine: Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Cry. Go to bed.

Rinse & Repeat

There’s a constant feeling of worry & stress that looms day & night.

I don’t feel much joy, peace, happiness, or safety.

Last night, after a day of a little fuckery, I was at my limit. Tired, sad, overwhelmed, worried… it was too much. When that happens, it makes me think about other things that I have bottled up and don’t voice anything about. The well being of friends, being closed out, coming home to an empty place and not having anyone that really has time or cares what I have to say. It’s just a lot.

I woke up this morning, put my big girl pants on, and knew I had to face the day. I have a business to co-run. I have responsibilities to attend to. Feeling hopeless and sad isn’t going pay bills or make anything better .

So when I woke up I did my skin care routine that I skipped yesterday, spent 10 extra min in the shower to clear my head and use my new body wash, did my hair and make up, made a cup of coffee , had a slice of local made sourdough bread, contemplating getting my nails done , thought about going pink again for my hair, turned on tunes, ignored my phone for a few hours and submitted an application for an advisory board for my city.

Am I starting a little too late to jump into city workings and possibly politics. Probably. But fuck … Mitch McConnell is out there Washington still doing his thing and has NOOO fucking idea where he is or what’s is happening… so I think I have some good years left in me.

Also, a piece of property is going up for sale downtown and it’s very special and I want it. I’m gonna by lotto tickets and cross my fingers , toes, whatever it takes… this property has three homes on it and a farm. I want to help the farmers on that land continue to do what they do. I want to preserve a piece of history in my area.

Sadness , uncertainty, grief, insecurity, and fear isnt going to shut me down. Sure, it may creep in during the wee hours of the morning… but right now… now is the time to accept the world and people for who they are and what they show you. You can’t do anything about it, it is what it is. You gotta just keep fighting through your day to make your own sunlight. If not, the darkness consumes you and you’re stuck.

Sure , everyone keeps saying it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. It’s pretty fucking bad now so…. Fuck. I guess I’ll continue to talk to myself, figure out things on my own, work through shit day to day, try not to worry or stress over things that I have no control over or say in… surrender.

Feeling something is usually frowned upon by others. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced.

I’m not going to apologize for caring. If people can’t understand that … that’s not my problem AND I refuse to be anyone but myself.

Fuck it.

Well… I’m off to start my day. Not much sleep happened last night, there were many tears shed, but I won’t allow my sadness, stress, and fear follow me today.

Today is a completely different day, a fresh start, & new day for opportunity.

I hope you are doing well and I wish the best for all of you as we navigate through this fucking dumpster fire of a world filled with some pretty shitty people. Be the reason to give someone hope that there are good people out there.

Much love to you.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4WAcA09PP6kSj8eywfsIWn?si=lg5K8sceRuWqtLQD3BnPCA

Lost in the tears tonight.

I’ve been thinking so much lately and the silence of not knowing how someone is … is so loud. The honesty in the silence is more honesty than I get in words.. and for that I’m so sad. It’s one thing to sit in the silence but to grieve the silence and the dismissal of being enough for someone’s words… is like a heavy weight, tied to your ankle, pulling you into the depths of the Unkown.

Worry.

It puts you on edge because your mind won’t let it rest. It’s there to put you to sleep at night and drag you out of bed in the morning. You’ll face another day with silence and your thoughts.

Uncertainty.

There is so much of it in the world. It stares us in the face everyday. It taunts us & mocks us. So much uncertainty.

What hurts worse?

Words, actions, or the silence?

When your soul cries out for one word. Some sort of sign….Are you okay?

There is fucking silence.

So I cry. Not because I want to… because it’s the only option I have.

Tonight… sadness will overwhelm me until I fall asleep. Because in dreams, I know how are you are. I hear your voice. I feel your presence. I hear your laugh. I feel your fingers interlock with mine and you tell me how you are. It’s in that dream state that I feel some peace.

The silence is fucking hell. I’ve been sentenced to hell, and I’m not sure what crimes I’m being punished for.

But I’m here… in silence. Worried. Waiting. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

Silence. It’s ….so….. loud.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6NTYphxIdN60YEL8XPomHo?si=deK5y78GQYmYo4hkjM6Gjg