When I was a little girl I believed that I could wish things into existence. For the most part… it usually worked. If I wanted a certain doll, a dress I saw, a certain dance class I wanted to be in, sleeping over at a friends house, things like that. Things that kids feel are important. It would happen.

As I got older, I still wished for things. Whether it be to go to a dance with a certain guy, get a great part in a play, get picked for things at school , and so on. Things that I thought were important as a teen. They would happen.

As a young adult I wished to live with my friends, get a great job that could support me (and sometimes my friends), skip the line and get into the club before others, draw the attention of someone I really liked, get the day off to go to a concert I was dying to see… it happened.

Between 23-25 things started to shake a part. Things were harder, complicated, confusing, disappointing at times. Hope would start to fade and wishing just didn’t happen like it use to. Things felt … impossible. Like the odds were stacked against me at every turn. That developed into thinking I wasn’t good enough or I didn’t deserve something. My magical little bubble popped. The vivid colors I saw started to fade to gray and i navigated through life’s ups and downs (like we all do).

When I turned 50 things shifted. I started hoping and wishing again. The fear that I had harvested throughout my adult life started to fade. Sure…. There were still ups and downs but I found myself wishing on stars, having hope , manifesting good things.

Leaning into hope really turned my life around.

Today… I sit here in a quiet room… hoping. Hoping that the good will find someone. Manifesting the very best for them.

Universe… if you could be so kind to grant me this wish. Please take whatever you need from me to grant me this wish. I’m holding on to hope with a white knuckle grip because I know what a fucking amazing human being this is. I would give up anything to see them happy, healthy, and living their very best life. Plus universe… you fucking owe him one.

What am I thinking at this moment?

That it’s amazing how the sound of someone’s voice, a good laugh, and one big hug can heal so much and calm your mind so fast. If I could hug them until they felt better, I would have stood there for days.

I’m not writing this to bring anyone down, to make anyone feel bad, or to think a certain way. Tonight , sitting in this quiet room I am left with questions I was too scared to ask, things I was too scared to say… and fighting back tears.

Do they know how much I care? Do they understand what I wouldn’t give to make them feel better? I hope they do. Because I will do everything in my power to ask the universe to pay the debt that is owed to them, that was stolen by people that don’t even deserve to be in his presence.

On Tuesday, please remind them that I will be there in spirit and they are not facing things on their own.

I know things are different, time has passed, no one is in the same place, things look different now in this stage of life. These are all facts. But… one fact remains. I will always love them dearly in any stage of life that happens and I care about them.

Sometimes I stumble on words. A lot of times I don’t say the right things. All the time… I’m fucking scared to say or do the wrong things. And for that I’m truly sorry. Words can not convey how sorry I am.

My dearest friend. I love you.

Please forgive me for my foolish stubborn heart (although it means well) doesn’t understand how to navigate through things appropriately.

I hope you know how much you mean to me and that I will be right here (even when you don’t ask or don’t want me to) fighting with you every step of the way.

Please be strong and take my love along with you.

San Dimas High School football rules!!!

Sorry, I didn’t want to end this on such a sappy but serious tone. 😬