Today marks 11years that I’ve been posting on here with Music Love & Coffee. It’s crazy to think that much time has passed.

Thank you for reading my blog, subscribing, sending messages, commenting, and emailing words of encouragement or just checking in. I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness. It means so much.

I know I haven’t been as consistent with posting since leaving the 9 to 5 job and pursuing my own business. Trust me… I have posts coming. They are sitting in drafts and almost ready to be seen. Thank you for your patience during this phase in my life that is focused on looking ahead and not behind, and taking time & care for myself (when my business doesn’t take every second of time or energy 😂).

I always felt that humans have 5 stages in life and hopefully they can experience & survive every one of them. There were days that I thought phase 3 would take me completely out. But… it didn’t. Now I’ve been in stage 4 for about a 8 months. It’s a wild stage. There is a sense of understanding and peace with stages 1-3 but there is also an urgency to prepare for the final stage 5. Which … honestly is scary but for some reason it feels like the universe is finally satisfied and said “ok she finally learned… she’ll be fine” It could be that or the micro-dosing that has put me in a more relaxed and “fuck it , it will work” state a mind.

Stage 1 of my life … no good. Stage 2 of my life …. To be free and delusional is comforting. Stage 3… what an embarrassing mess & I did not have the coping skills to make it through successfully. Stage 4 … it’s a new beginning bookend by the end- Stage 5.

I’m proud of Stage 4 and I haven’t felt that way in a really long time. For Stages 2-3 I always felt like an out cast, a failure, not worth enough, and the punchline of a joke. With Stage 4 … I found out that I’m more than that. I learned who I am. What I want. What I don’t want. I will not make an effort if someone doesn’t care AND I won’t care if someone or something doesn’t make an effort. I will not let people disrespect me. Also, I will not apologize or make an excuses for my mistakes or weaknesses.

What will Stage 5 hold? Not sure? I hope I get to see it and live through it. I am very scared of Stage 5 but …. I don’t want that to overshadow the success and goal of Stage 4.

So …11 years of writing my random thoughts and opinions. It’s been a lot of fun. Thank you for being here.

Much love to you.

Every word of this song takes me back like a Time Machine and drops me off on a dirt road in the middle of what seemed like nowhere.

The outside world didn’t exist. There wasn’t anything pushing or pulling. There was just being present in a time that I didn’t want to end.

What was life times ago, seems like I’m back on the couch watching movies and wishing the outside world would never find us… as this song plays on tonight.

It makes me smile about young and foolish youth. Young hearts run free. Right? It also hurts the deepest of hurt because for a little slice of time, my heart had everything it needed. Which is a beautiful memory…but it does make old wounds have phantom pains.

Life… it has a funny sense of humor. Doesn’t it? Life marches on and as Tori would say “boy your boots made a mess” But in all seriousness, sometimes there is so much beauty in tragedy and a lot of fucking humor. All you can do is shake your head, cry a tear or two, laugh at yourself for crying, do your skin routine, take your vitamins and supplements, and go to bed early.

Eh… tomorrow is another day for a new adventure. Life goes on and on and on.

Lost in the tears tonight.

I’ve been thinking so much lately and the silence of not knowing how someone is … is so loud. The honesty in the silence is more honesty than I get in words.. and for that I’m so sad. It’s one thing to sit in the silence but to grieve the silence and the dismissal of being enough for someone’s words… is like a heavy weight, tied to your ankle, pulling you into the depths of the Unkown.

Worry.

It puts you on edge because your mind won’t let it rest. It’s there to put you to sleep at night and drag you out of bed in the morning. You’ll face another day with silence and your thoughts.

Uncertainty.

There is so much of it in the world. It stares us in the face everyday. It taunts us & mocks us. So much uncertainty.

What hurts worse?

Words, actions, or the silence?

When your soul cries out for one word. Some sort of sign….Are you okay?

There is fucking silence.

So I cry. Not because I want to… because it’s the only option I have.

Tonight… sadness will overwhelm me until I fall asleep. Because in dreams, I know how are you are. I hear your voice. I feel your presence. I hear your laugh. I feel your fingers interlock with mine and you tell me how you are. It’s in that dream state that I feel some peace.

The silence is fucking hell. I’ve been sentenced to hell, and I’m not sure what crimes I’m being punished for.

But I’m here… in silence. Worried. Waiting. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

Silence. It’s ….so….. loud.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6NTYphxIdN60YEL8XPomHo?si=deK5y78GQYmYo4hkjM6Gjg

I have no desire to be married.

I don’t want to claim someone’s last name.

Hell…I don’t want to claim anyone’s time or have someone claim my shit.

What I want (and have always wanted) is to have someone to sing , dance and be silly with.

That’s it.

I watch these two and my heart smiles.

They are just so fucking cool

This year “Boys For Pele” turns 30yrs old.

It’s crazy that this album is 30yrs old. What seems like just yesterday, has been a chapter that has long passed. Now, Tori’s new studio album “In Times Of Dragons” will be here May 1st , 2026. This will be her 18th studio album accompanied with a summer tour.

“Boys For Pele” was an incredible album. One of her best in my opinion. The love I have for this album runs deep not only because it’s brilliant, it truly was the crutch that got me over the finish line.

I listened to this album (maybe too many times) through out a time in my life that I felt like I was losing everything, including myself.

Heartbroken, devastated, hurt, ashamed, lost, and alone… I turned to Pele for comfort and in return it gave me a bit of strength. Those nights I curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, hoping the ground would just give way and swallow me. Life was painful and the tears were too much. There were nights I would cry so hard that my face was unrecognizable. My heart and spirit were shattered.

Pele would pick me up off the floor, light a candle and sandalwood incense, and dance wildly around my apartment that had no furniture besides a bed, a bean bag chair, and a dresser. Even today when I stare into a flame or watch the smoke from incense swirl in the air… I think of Pele

This album had so much strength yet haunting sadness. It was a voice in the darkness that embraced you or threw you into fits of rage. It was beautiful.

I’ve spent the last 30 years scotch-taping my heart & spirit back together and not very successfully (as we all know tape loses its grip eventually) but Pele has always been there to catch me.

“In the Springtime of his Voodoo”, “Talula” will still make me dance around my living room. While “Little Amsterdam” & “Professional Widow” still make me want to light a match and set it on fire ( they give off that “Precious Things” vibe)

But it’s always Pele’s silent pain that will haunt me… “Putting the Damage On” , “Doughnut Song”, “Hey Jupiter”, and mother fucking “Twinkle”.

Twinkle– is the heart & soul of this album. Back to Tori and her piano, mixing beauty, sadness, pain, love, forgiveness, happiness all in to a cauldron and teetering between light & dark.

There are days I park my car, stare in to the dark skies, and listen to “Twinkle”. it eases my worries to ask the skies “are they ok”, “do they know how much I still love them”, “can they feel my soul embrace them when the are feeling sad or scared”, “will the universe grant me forgiveness & understanding”, “am I going to be ok” So many questions go through my mind during a 3 minute song that feels like 40 seconds. So many worries, so much unsaid feelings, sometimes many tears… but there is a sense of love, forgiveness, and understanding that drives that song. It gives me the same feeling as “Somewhere Out There” from American Tail. It does! There is this big fucking sky, one moon, and you are sitting there underneath this gorgeous umbrella of stars , and your hoping your magick will reach them , grab their hand, kiss them on the cheek good night, and check in on their well being. It’s like giving them a hug from far away which in return heals you a bit each time.

Life lately? Well .. it’s been shit. This cold hearted, hateful, vengeful world is disgusting. Plus I’m tired of fighting to keep my head above water. I’m drowning but this time, on my own terms. There isn’t any accomplice .. it’s just me. Hi. I’m the problem. (Sorry I couldn’t resist) I have put myself here, cut away from living the “every day” life and took the leap in to fulfilling I dream I’ve had for a long time. It does make my heart happier, but it’s not very secure and at my age making these sacrifices are scary as hell. I have $200 to my name, no health insurance, an amount of debt, bills, big worries, some health concerns, a car that still hasn’t had an oil change, … and a sense that life is over the “half way over” mark. This is it… the grand finale of my life.

Looking around, is everything and everyone I love in the grand finale of my life? Am I where I want to be in this final chapters of my life’s story? Although I’m living my dream, I can’t help to think about the missing pieces that are still scattered like ash across this town. If I could get a big enough Dust Buster I would gather all of them up and place them in a jar for safe keeping. It’s hard to protect the people and things you care about when they are hiding from your view. It seems impossible to get through a day without thinking about them.

This world is so fucking heartless. I’m afraid I’m not cut out for it, and I won’t conform to it.

Maybe “In Times Of Dragons” is needed at this dark time? Terrifying….yet blissfully satisfying. Much like Pele.

I guess we’ll find out May 1st.

Happy Monday Everyone.

Today is Martin Luther King Day and our team will be in the MLK parade today riding around with our community. It’s crazy to think how far the country jumped forward and how it’s on its way free fall backwards. Today we join hands with our community to bring forth (in the key of Elvis Costello) Peace, Love, and Understanding.

Our business has been struggling. I say has because we have been on an increase of foot traffic and revenue. We have worked our asses off refurbishing our location , adding features and we bought a whole ass metaphysical shop and are moving it into our location… so wild!

So today, after the parade, we will be running back to our location to unload a plethora of products, moving retail furnishings around and trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. With this being said … our incense & crystal selection is fucking bomb! I’m gonna have to hold back from taking it all home with me! 😂

So we have a boxes full of hope sitting on our shop floor. We are exhausted. Our bodies hurt from all the moving and changing. There have been many tears, sleepless nights, worry, but there is also excitement, wonder, hope, and whimsy that’s felt like a magical shift.

The world is heavy and watching everything unfold… it’s been fucking heartbreaking. Watching our communities get terrorized is fucking disgusting. Anyone that would supports all this shit is a fucking monster.

It will be good to stand with our community today and feel how much love and support we have for each other. It’s a much needed dose of happiness & hope.

On this day, 35 years ago my mother walked in to my room and said “I need to go to the hospital”.

There was a couple sentences exchanged here and there in the next 6 hours , but that was the last sentence I truly remember.

35 years ago, she went into the hospital to die and I would never talk to her again.

She was in and out of consciousness for a couple days but passed on January 4th. As the days get closer and closer to that date… I feel myself slowly slipping into sadness.

She was done with this world and didn’t want to be in it. She had enough of her life. She wasn’t happy. The man she loved was a fucking sick pedophile unfaithful alcoholic monster that treated her like a piece of shit. And it absolutely killed her to face that.

She was so unhappy and life wasn’t fair to her. Yet she was fair to everyone and kind.

I wish I was a little bit older when everything happened. I Would have done things differently for sure.

35 years ago… that seems like a lifetime that I’ve lived without her. Sometimes when the ones you love disappear you don’t realize how much time has gone by because you feel frozen in that moment of time. If you stay frozen there… you can’t forget them.

It’s been proven that I’m pretty forgettable but I wonder if she remembers me.

I would really like if she did .

It would be nice if someone remembered that I’m still here.

I hope she remembers

I am sill here

Please remember

Who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere

😢 ❤️

Ever since I saw this movie, I really thought that ONE day I would be lucky enough to get this ending on New Years. The dream (or expectation) is so much better than the reality.

So when the song played “what are you doing on New Year’s Eve” played tonight.. I was home in bed by 10pm. I stayed up and listened to music and to the barrage of fireworks going off in my neighborhood.

It’s funny how you can feel a range of emotions but in the end… the heart wants what it wants. Everything else is just a consolation prize.

Wishing you a happy and successful 2026. May you be surrounded by unconditional love, compassion, and understanding.