Wednesday Woes Sprinkled With A Glimmer Of Hope

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It’s Wednesday, which means I’m sitting here willing people to walk into our local business.
The word “slow” is too fast for how business is these days. When we opened this business in October 2024 we had no idea by November 2024 things would start a downward plunge for the economy and for small businesses. “Open your own business” they said. “Be your own boss” they said. No one ever said, “Hey the economy might tank by the end of 2025”. That advice would have been much appreciated. I guess we should have seen it coming. However, we didn’t realize the severity of how hard and fast it was going to happen.

So… I site here hopeful. Willing customers to come in. Our November rent, utilities, and taxes not paid yet. We’ve used all of our personal money to stay a float during the summer, so there’s nothing left. I got rid of my health insurance, cut back on finances, scraping change for groceries & gas… it’s been difficult. We poured everything in to this place. Painted every wall, moved everything in here, sacrificed paying ourselves last month so we could get some bills paid and the staff. It’s hard to not feel completely helpless & hopeless.

So what does one do when they feel this … shitty? Well, I opened the doors, lit some incense, put on some tunes, grabbed an ice coffee, and sucked it up. We can’t give up hope. Something good can happen… right? Right?? I can either cry and be completely terrified.
Or.. I can take a deep breath, roll up my sleeves, and put that axe to the grind. I don’t want to give up. I’m so tired of watching people give up or dealing with that feeling of people giving up on me. Fuck It. I’m not the type to give up. I will fight another day AND be fucking terrified, worried, and hella sad (but I will put on a brave face). Fake it to ya make it right? Right??

Instead I’m gonna focus on the happier things coming up:
*Driving through neighborhoods, looking at Christmas lights while listening to holiday tunes and sipping on a peppermint hot chocolate.
*Enjoying the beautiful weather this time of year. Nothing is better than sleeping with a window cracked open under a ton of blankets.
* Taylor Swift’s documentary series and the “Final Show” streaming this month. (come on.. you knew I was gonna add that. It’s currently the #1 thing I’m really looking forward to lately)
*Watching Holiday Movies and being cozy.
*Watching videos online of kids getting new pets or animals finding new homes (gets me every time)
*Dogma … fucking finally… being released to streaming services. Hallelujah!
*Thinking about how beautiful my mom made the holidays. Although it makes me incredibly sad, those memories remind me that even during some of the most horrifying and brutal times.. you can still make something good out of things. She always did that. This topic deserves a whole blog post in itself. So.. I’m gonna stop here.

My heart has been pretty heavy lately. I’m desperately trying to make things good out of bad. Mentally, I’m exhausted. Emotionally, I’m fighting for a little bit of hope.
Hope… it’s something I’m still into. It’s sometimes the only thing we have.
I’ve never had much luck with it. It usually proves me to be a silly dreamer, wishing for the best, wishing on starts, wishing for the universe to hear me, wishing for someone to like me for me… that sort of thing. Most times it turns out to be a lost cause or a heartbreaking disappointment. Yet, I turn up the music, sip my last drop of coffee in my cup, take a deep breath, and hope.

(not edited because I’m not with it today)


Cold Old Bones

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YNope not a horror related post. Although, the last two weeks have been pretty fucking horrifying. But… I digress.
Life lately has been off. You feel it too right? So much frustration, uncertainty, and awful sucker punching .. left and right. It’s so hard not to feel like we are all in the Bell Jar on a daily basis. Sometimes I just wanna yell “When the fuck is this nightmare gonna fucking end?”
Yesterday, was a whirlwind of a day.
I woke up, and it took 10 min for me to not feel shitty. I was freezing (I’m getting to that old lady age where I’m freezing if it’s under 70 degrees). Anyone over 50 experience this shit?
It’s a bit ridiculous really. I remember going to dance clubs in my 20’s, in the middle of winter, and no jacket in sight with a skirt or dress on. Not cold at all. Now.. I can’t step outta my apartment without a jacket or hoodie and it’s 74 outside. What the hell is that about?
Getting old kinda sucks but I also like to wear it like a fucking survival badge.
I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so cold but I’m too cheap to turn the heater on. Heat in this economy? I don’t think so. I’ll light something on fire before I spend anything else.
I spent most of the night worrying, crying, overthinking, and just being scared as hell.
Rock Bottom doesn’t feel too great but when you are feeling the weight of everything that is going wrong or everything you know about… it just seems so … dark and cold.
After yesterday, I decided I would approach today a little differently. There were multiple encounters yesterday where people showed so much kindness and all though there were some scary conversations, it was the first time I felt like I could breathe and gather my thoughts. Fight, Flight or Freeze are some exhausting feelings. So this morning, I mustered up a little hope, got dressed, made my lunch for the day, and headed in to work with a little more wind in my sails driven by that hope. Sometimes, that is all ya got and the phrase “fake it until you make it” was my plan for the day.
I got to work, lit some incense, turned on some tunes, and just started in. If I had a hot coffee I think I could conquer that day but improvised with a bottle of water and a Trader Joes PB&J bar. Will it get me through until 1am? Maybe? Probably not? Hell I dunno but I’m willing to go for it.
Am I scared? Yes. Am I more worried now than ever? Yes. Am I incredibly tired & sad? Yes.
Is there a fucking playlist full of nostalgic tunes and Hayley Williams/Paramore songs playing in my mind, regrettable things said or unsaid hanging over my head, and an array of emotions seeping into every fiber of my being? Yes.

Today the lyrics that are repeating in my head are …
“I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe
Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home.”

My mind is heavy but my heart is a little more full than it was yesterday.
But.. I showed up & I’m here. Even without coffee and that is pretty serious.

Sitting here with Love, Fear, Sorrow, Worry, Stress, Frustration, Hope….
all of these feelings while being fucking cold.

Surviving Out Of Spite

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Well… it’s been awhile but it feels like seconds. This past month has been gut wrenching. I’m currently going through my things trying to figure out what I can sell so I can buy groceries and put money towards the rent I don’t have. Needless to say, business isn’t going well. The economy is fucked and life is a dumpster fire. But hey… the season finale of Stranger Things is out, Taylor Swift has a documentary and a concert movie coming out this month, (Distractions. They’re beautiful things. At this point .. ignorance is bliss.) It’s cool enough to wear sweatshirts most of the day, and that Mormon lady that is on that dreadful reality tv show and then didn’t win Dancing With The Stars is going to play Roxie Heart in Chicago ( I just want to say I called this before it was announced. I said “someone should tap this chick to play Roxie in Chicago”… 4 days later it was announced)

Psychic? Maybe? I’m just fucking with you. Not psychic. BUT I do know the musical Chicago extremely well. It was a given she was going to be the next Roxie especially after the Free Dance performance on DWTS Which was fucking wild!

I’m depressed. How do I know I’m depressed? I’m tired. I’ve been binge watching shows. Besides crying every day. The stress is a lot.

Have you ever felt like nothing you do is good? Like… it’s not just me thinking that. I’ve had many just push me aside and basically show me that I’m nothing and not worth it. They can act however they want or be whoever they want and I have to be … perfect . Like all the time. Because if I’m not… if I can’t make magic happen, or give them exactly what they want, or act however they want me to act, then I’m not worth it. It doesn’t matter what they do … or what they don’t do. it always matters what I do or how I react to what they do. It’s confusing and disheartening.

The stress is coming down on me so hard most of the time .. it hurts to breathe. So I don’t want to breathe. It’s just a lot right now. People say.. it’s gonna get better. I think it’s beyond that by now.

Between the pressure of business coming to a slow crawl, the holidays reminding me that I don’t have any family (don’t get me wrong, I have my so. And he’s great but there isn’t a family here ) , I can’t buy Christmas presents, and on top of ME letting myself down… again. It’s just a lot.

It’s hard to listen to people complain about their family gatherings. What I wouldn’t give to talk to family over dinner or sitting around a fire, playing a board game or something…. The silence is so very loud at times.

Do you ever wish you could wake up and just be someone else? You could just erase the sadness , the pain, the hurt… and just start over in a different body or life. Maybe I could get it right for once? Maybe I could be successful at something? Maybe I would be worth it? And you could just … forget. Forget about what could have been. Forget about the whys or the hows. Forget that you weren’t good enough. Maybe.

Heartache that sits in silence gets so loud when you are sitting alone and thinking about things. That stabbing dull pain is a reminder that I am not and never was worth it. It’s as loud as a freight train.

I try so hard to do the right thing. To be the right way. But it all turns to shit because it doesn’t matter. It’s like having the carpet ripped out from underneath you time, and time, and time again… and I’m so stupid.. I just keep getting up and running knowing my fate. How stupid is that?

I’m not even sure what I’m good at anymore. I suck at business, I suck at cooking, I suck at organization, I suck at doing taxes, I suck at friendships, I suck at love, I just can’t remember what I’m even good at?!

And I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the “don’t give up” motto. I’m tired of “think positive good things will come.. it’s gonna get better”. I’m so tired of pretending I’m ok.

I’m not ok. I’m really stressed. And I’m so sad. I feel frozen in fear because I don’t know what to do or how to make anything work. It’s like I’m falling backwards off a high cliff without a parachute or plan.

A lot of people will tell you “she’s so strong” , “she’s overcome do much”, “she can handle it … she’s tough”. They have no idea how much it hurts. The scars that are forever on my soul and my heart. The empty feeling I feel when I’m laying here staring at my ceiling fan wishing I would just sink into my bed and through the floor and into the center of the earth to hide from the utter hopelessness I feel. I’m not tough by choice… it is a survival technique. When you’re abandoned, violated, lied to, forgotten, and abused… you learn that you need to be tough. But … I’ve had to be tough as long as I can remember… and now… I’m tired.

I don’t want to be tough anymore. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t care so that I feel better. I don’t want to act like peoples actions or words don’t bother the fuck outta me… I don’t want to.

I see really horrible fucking people be successful, make a decent wage to stay alive , they find a true love that they can dance in the kitchen with until they’re old and gray and can’t walk anymore, people that get treated with respect and kindness even though they are fucking brutal…. I don’t know what I’ve done. But I’ve done something to deserve this pain and for people to just forget I’m here. Because I am here and they are not.

I’ve always found myself (from a little kid until now) asking myself … “when will I matter?” I’m kinda tired of asking that actually. There is never an answer. Which gives me my answer.

If it’s written in the stars for me to be nothing or mean nothing… who am I to argue? why think anything good is ever going to stick with me? It will go away too.

Sometimes it’s easier to stop trying or caring because the reality is… it doesn’t matter.

But…

I still have a little flicker of hope. What once burned so incredibly bright… it’s just a flicker of something … reminding me to take a deep breath, get some water, take a shower, lay down for a nap, and tomorrow is another day to try again. It’s a small flicker but it’s there.

Maybe…one day… those stars will finally align and those dark empty feelings will be flooded with laughter, music, and light again? Maybe I will figure out everything I’ve done wrong and learn what to do right? maybe.

Stress, Worry, Fear, and Sadness are sitting with me, myself, and I … as I worry myself sick tonight about the how’s and what’s of tomorrow.

All there is… is a little flicker of hope .

Song of the moment… The Prophecy

https://youtu.be/iQLSxbe2cJE?si=yfVc0vGR5x1taXzH

Nonexisting: the story continues

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I’m struggling to find something nice to say lately. Thoughts have been blurred by pessimism and wrapped in hopelessness.

I’m finding out that most of the people in this world are out for themselves and don’t give a fuck about anyone while the rest only want to use you when it’s convenient for them to. In the end, they still don’t give a fuck.

There is that small percentage that may actually care but are so jaded by their trauma from abusive and traumatic situations … they give up. I get it… I’m to the point of giving up. I’m not at the point “if you can’t beat them, join them” sort of thing. But… I am teetering on the edge of survival mode and throwing it all away.

Humans are self centered and incredibly selfish. Many think that their shit is more important. There is an open wound of accountability or honesty. There is a lack. In that void is a beautiful life swallowed by darkness.

I am to the point that I don’t trust anyone or anything. Through out the day my guard is up and I’m keeping a sharp eye and recording everything anyone says in my mind because I don’t trust them.

At this point , all the lies have been said. All the truths are brought to light. People will tell me “you make me feel better” while I’m absolutely shattered and just trying to make it out alive. So i put in a fake smile and try to be as cooperative as I can. If I don’t do that, I’m too intense, too sensitive, too much too observant, too open, too honest, too selfish for wanting to be treated with the same respect I give them. Difficult. Complicated. I believe that’s what they call it.

Empty promises. Forgotten Dreams. Broken Hearts, Dimmed spirit.

The last three nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve lost hope in people. For once I would love to be able to trust someone because I’ve been given horrible examples time and time and time again . It’s sad that at the age of 4 you learn to distrust and now over 50 a time when life slows down and the curtain slowly draws closed on the show.. I still am unable to trust.

The thought of that hurts my heart.

I don’t want money or a big house or a fancy car or a designer handbag… I never wanted to be a big CEO in power or in charge…. I just want some fucking peace, safety, and to trust.

Honesty. Is that an old fashioned word?

No one wants to be honest.

Why?

Somedays , I want to erase everything I know and start over and be a blissfully ignorant and naive person. I’d rather not know that people could choose to be decent and honest but instead hurt people for selfish reasons .

Trust is a word that is nonexistent in my life.

And all I can do is cry. There is no other choice at this point and time.

They will starve you, bleed you dry, or bury you so you don’t exist.

It’s hard to care deeply and not be cared about. So you just shut it off. You turn everything off so you don’t feel.

But it hurts. Deep down (hidden) it hurts.

Not existing is what hurts the most.

Angry Men and How They Behave

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Men are emotional. If I get emotional with a man it’s usually in response to his behavior and how THEY emotional deal with something.

I went to a corporate meeting today where the accountant is raising his voice and me, being condescending , cussing at me, and was trying to make me feel really stupid. It was the most humiliating things that’s happened to me since my ex-husband and how he would talk down to me and try to make me feel stupid. Needless to say… I wish I had thicker skin but after I lashed out back at him and he was “offended” and called me a bunch of names, I cried because I let that situation stoop down to his grotesque level. Also, I felt so incredibly stupid.

Most Men tell you one thing and then they change their mind and act like they never said anything like that before. Why do they do that? So they can just say women are “crazy”?

I’m pretty fucked up by his behavior and feel fucking best down. Why the fuck are men so fucking heartless and mean all the time?? How can they lie to your face and make you feel like you’ve wronged them so how?? They never take accountability for the shit they do. Yet crucify the women if we don’t fit into their box. What the fuck??

This sets me back not trusting men even farther. Do they get off on lying? Do they feel good to make us feel insignificant? What the fuck is it?

I don’t have to work today but I think I’m going to go to work but on some Cardi B and emotionally release while making bathbombs or something?

I am broke, tired, beat down, and upset.

I just don’t understand why most men are so fucking heartless. It’s really bothering me.

They were other men in the room just chilling and watching that shit go down. Not a word was uttered.

I feel pretty defeated today

Poet to Showgirl… the next era is here.

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Well.. I’m a little late… but I’m here to chat about the new Taylor Swift album. If you are a person that gets irritated or uncomfortable with me matching my personal life to music… you may wanna skip this one because I am gonna bring up some shit up that I haven’t let into my brain for awhile. We are going track to track and discussing some of the lyrics in this album, the feelings they provoke, the memories they unlock, and the serious/unserious lyrics in this album.

BUT FIRST… I’M GONNA BITCH SLAP YOU A BIT.
Some don’t get this album. Most of these folks are the people that started listening to Taylor in her Folklore era and continued on the journey to Tortured Poets Department with the Eras Tour running through the veins. Let’s keep something in mind….Folklore, Evermore, Midnights, Tortured Poets Department was when she was depressed as fuck. By the time Tortured Poets came along she was literally talking about being driven mad and needed to be put away in a mental institution.
Yes… these are all great albums. Maybe some of her greatest writing. People are mad that this new album is a quirky, flirty, bouncy, an unserious/kinda serious pop album. Did you all hit your head? Did you fucking forget that this is the SAME person who sings “Shake It Off”,
“I Forgot That You Existed”, “We’re Never Getting Back Together”. HELLO???? (read that again in Cardi B’s voice) HELLO??? There was albums before Folklore people. Pull it together.
I’m not giving you shit for loving Folklore (this is my favorite album). I’m going to give you shit and shaking my head because you aren’t fucking getting it.
This woman is fucking happy… FOR ONCE! She isn’t depressed. She isn’t heartbroken. She is unbothered. She is not taking shit super seriously. She also gives zero fucks what anyone thinks. So stop your bitching or …just don’t fucking listen to the album.
I’m not a huge “Lover” fan. I don’t whine about it.. I just don’t listen to the damn thing.

Ok. Now that we got the whiny bitches to get mad and leave. Let’s talk tracks, lyrics, and feelings.

TRACKS & LYRICS (and the memories they unlock)
1. The Fate Of Ophelia
This was a great way to start off the album. Usually, I don’t typically love the songs Taylor picks as her first single. I usually feel like they are the weaker one on the album. Not this one.
It brings things full circle right away and tells you how this journey is going to go. The story line: She was drowning “in the melancholy” and she was saved by love. She’s starting to see the world different. A new light that she didn’t know existed. She is experiencing freedom to do things the way she wants to do them. This song is about falling in love not being in love with falling in love. This person just blew her fucking mind and she unexpectedly fell hard.
Let’s pause… Have you ever felt this way before about someone? I think as people get older they may experience this and their heart decides.. yep this is them. This could go great and they may feel the same way or it could go very fucking bad and they could possibly not give a shit about you. It’s such a hard gamble and you have to be so fucking brave to just say the words out loud that you are madly in love with this person. I always say I have an old lady soul. So this didn’t happen to me as I got older but it unexpectedly happened to me when I was pretty young. Falling in love, that young, is probably the most reckless thing you could do with your heart. Taylor writes in Ophelia, ” Locked inside my memory – And only you possess the key” That’s a feeling some of us know… All Too Well. Musically… this song reminds me a bit of her song “I Can See You”. Also, if you haven’t seen the NEW video to this song.. You MUST! It’s fucking amazing. The choreography, staging, direction, sets, costuming, performance, is freaking fantastic! This video will win video of the year.

2. Elizabeth Taylor
This song could have been on the “Reputation Album”. I’m not playing.. this is very Rep.
Taylor has referenced Elizabeth Taylor in Reputation and now she’s back at it again.
Did this song get me clowning for Rep Vault Tracks.. sadly.. yes it did.
Lyric wise it’s a good track. Music arrangement is fucking fire and elevates this track.

3. Opalite
This will end up as a single release. It’s boppy and friggin infectious.
The story: You fuck up and go for the wrong people to try to chase that happiness. Then when you find the one.. the skies open up and a new light shines in. With Travis Kelce’s birthstone being an opal (shout out fellow Libra) this song is just a nod to their happiness but blast their happiness into your ear drums and through your veins. Listening to this song makes me want to be in love with love. That is the best feeling. You’re down or you’ve had a busy day and your phone rings and it’s the person that makes you the happiest. It’s like all your troubles, thoughts, and fears wash down the drain and you are fucking invincible. That first “Hello” or even that memorable “Hey” can ease your mind and bring you to a place of happiness. Talking about it makes me miss that feeling. Not gonna lie. It is one of the best feelings. Taylor is in love, she’s engaged to a man that adores her, and this song exudes glitter pen initials in hearts, butterflies in stomachs, and starry eyes day dreaming of happily ever afters. Lyrically.. sweet. Musically… someone described it best as “Hair Spray” sounding. I can get behind that (even though I think they meant it as a back handed compliment) as a musical theater nerd.. I’m all for it.

4. Father Figure
People have issues with this song. They can’t stand she says “my dick’s bigger”.
I don’t think they are getting it. She is telling a story and you missed it I think.
Long story short ( just in case you don’t know the journey to her master recordings). She basically, got her masters back and she is giving them a big fucking finger. “You want a fight, you found it. I got the place surrounded”. I’m here for that. Fucking fight for your shit girl.
God I hate when men fucking mansplain shit. I have had to deal with narcissistic pieces of shit telling me what I’m worth and treating me like I’m stupid. “Mistake my kindness for weakness and find your card cancelled” That is a baller ass line. Lyrically.. fucking great. Musically… it’s good. It was cool that George Michael got some writing cred for this song.
Is it my favorite? No… but I’m here for the bad ass storyline.

5. Eldest Daughter (the infamous track 5)
For track 5.. I feel like we came out unscathed. Sure it provokes feelings but it doesn’t beat us down like some of the other Track 5’s. Eldest Daughter is a very heart felt reminder to the one you love that you are fucking ride or die (but in a more poetic way). Did I cry? Yes. Being an eldest daughter and knowing what it feels like to want to grab a person by their face and say
“I’m never gonna break that vow. I’m never gonna leave you now” and fucking mean it. Some people go through some dark shit and they are just looking for that fucking light to pull them out. Sometimes, we’re too young or too broken to have the strength to be that for someone but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t fight like hell for their happiness. We all have our trauma or stories.. but in the end. We make our own happiness if we choose to. You either jump in and swim or you sit on the dock and watch the current take something away. Lyrically… A lyric in this song that gut punched me “And things I said were dumb”. Sometimes we say some stupid shit just to put up walls or try to protect ourselves or others. Meanwhile, what you want to say is on the tip of your tongue, fighting to get out. How badly I wish I was as poetic as Taylor to use the words… you “were raised up in the wild.. but now you’re home”. Damn that’s a good fucking line. Musically… always love a piano heavy tune from Taylor, its flows nice and I love the arrangement. A bittersweet Track 5 was refreshing than the soul crushing Track 5’s we’ve had in the past.

6. Ruin The Friendship
This song definitely sad. It was fun to hear Abigail’s name pop in there.
A song about high school love, falling for a good friend, and regretting taking the chance kissing them. The song takes a quick turn with bad news from home, a flight back, and a funeral. Losing a friend and someone you loved is so fucking hard as it is but having regrets about anything you didn’t say or do .. that’s pretty rough. Lyrically…. it’s bittersweet and vulnerable. Musically.. it’s a bit upbeat for the lyrics but it’s sweet. I don’t listen to this one on repeat. It does make me worried or start overthinking. Regret & Grief are tough.

7. Actually Romantic (this one is pissing people off especially the Brats)
This song is fucking silly and takes a swipe (In a cheeky way) at Charli XCX.
Here’s the thing. Is this song petty? 100% it is. Has she done this before. 100% she has.
If you are going to talk shit and say shitty things .. You’ll probably hear it in a song a year later.
I think it’s funny that this person can talk her shit and then people are upset if Taylor claps back. What the fuck? What kind of rules are these? If you are gonna dish some shit.. you should be able to take it too. People say Taylor’s great at playing a victim yet everyone is ok with feeling sorry for people that talk shit as she’s calling them out.
Sure there are some lines that are petty as fuck in here but ya’ll are bitching about the line “the coke’s got you brave”. Who are you trying to gaslight here? For real. There is a whole reddit board on how much drugs this person does and people commenting that they were smoking crack with her. She sings songs about drugs. And you’re upset because Taylor mentioned the “coke’s got you brave” ?? That’s like someone saying Taylor Swift is a pot head and her getting mad about it … when we know she fucking smokes pot by her lyrics and the videos of her at Coachella. Come on .. let’s get real. Lyrically… cheeky and funny as hell Musically.. simple. The lyrics didn’t need anything else.

8. Wi$h Li$st ( this song fucked me up a bit)
I thought this song was going to be a poppy, Rep coded banger. I don’t know why. Boy I was soooo wrong! This song kinda messed me up. It’s about being able to have anything or everything and you just want that one person. Your past has left you feeling scared about love or having a future with someone but you throw caution to the wind because you fucking love them so much. It really takes me back when I was younger. It’s kinda funny actually. I jumped on a plane and flew to them because nothing else mattered. I could have lost my job. They didn’t want me to go. I had a lot of responsibilities that I had at home.. but I bolted as soon as the first opportunity arrived. He said he needed me there and I went. I don’t even know if I have ever felt the need to be somewhere like I did that day. Much like this song.. they start talking and you start thinking.. I want to be with this person. What do I do? I can’t imagine myself without them. There was a moment in the trip that we were at a mall, that had a wedding chapel which was wild), and this couple came walking out and he turned to me and said “Wanna get married” I knew he was kidding and just trying to be cheeky but how I wanted to say.. “Yes. I want to marry you and be there for you and protect you and dance with you around our home and sing wildly in cars with the windows down.” But I just laughed and smiled at him and I remember looking down at the table and wanting to cry.
He didn’t mean it and it took everything in my power not to break down and cry because I never wanted something so badly in my life. This song made me think of that memory that had been locked away for many many years. I cried my eyes out with this song. It took me there and I was not ready to face that memory or that feeling.
Listening to Taylor sound happy and when she sang ” Have a couple kids, got the whole block looking like you” I knew she meant it. She can have pretty much anything she wants and she says ” Got me dreaming about a driveway with a basketball hoop”. That is fucking awesome.
She is over the moon about him and her happiness makes my heart happy. My dead, cold, desolate heart actually is fucking happy for her. Shit is hard. Sometimes you feel like nothing will work because of all the outside noise or your own fears. The line from this song that I would have loved to say that day in the mall ” We tell the world to leave us the fuck alone, and they do”. But like I mentioned before, when previously talking about Track 1, you can feel all the love for them and you can be brave and yell it out.. that doesn’t mean they agree or want it. That’s when the abandonment issues settle in and make you laugh, smile and look down at the table with the thought of.. I’ll just end up alone anyways. Like I said.. this fucked me up.

9. Wood (this is another song getting a lot of shit )
Is this song casually giving innuendos that Travis has a big dick and they have amazing sex.
Yes. Yes it does. Is that a bit cringe. I mean.. kinda. But fucking men talk about having sex all the time in songs and girls big asses and tits. They talk about Sexin’ You Up, Loving you Down, and all kinds of shit. Cardi B, Meg the Stallion, and more talk about taking it from behind and giving their men head and everyone is like.. that’s cool. Taylor implies, Travis has a big dick and knows how to use it and the Ashely’s and Chad’s are clutching their church pearls.
Good Gravy you Guys. Is the line in the song “His love was the key that opened my thighs” a bit corny? Hell yeah it is. But have you seen these two together? It’s like goofy meets goofy and they just wanna have some fucking fun. They work hard and they want to play hard. What’s the big deal? Lyrically.. cheeky, silly, corny, but fun. Musically.. I swear they are sampling a Jackson 5 song. Do you hear it? Because I hear Jackson 5’s I want you back. I’d like to see the writing credits and if they make reference to it because I think it’s pretty fucking close to that song. Also, can I say this.. So many are bitching about this song and how inappropriate it is. I’m telling you this will be a fucking single. She will make this into a Pinocchio reference and she’ll be like the blue fairy or something and everyone will love it and the radio will open their arms and embrace it. The line about the thighs is the only BIG sexual reference … she can get away with pulling a Pinocchio theme off. AND there have been Pinocchio easter eggs in the New Heights Pod AND Sabrina Carpenters insta posts. Mark my word.. this song will end up on the radio.

10. Cancelled!
I like this song.. it reminds me of Rep. The song speaks for itself. I dig the vibe.
No real notes here. I enjoyed this song a lot.

11. Honey
I guess this song is the least streamed song on the album. I’m kinda shocked by that.
BUT… I love pet names. I’ve had men call me Honey and it didn’t phase me much but I get what Taylor is saying. It melts her every time he calls her Honey. I think that’s so sweet.
I had someone call me Baby a handful of times and the first time he said it I was smitten.
Haha! I honestly just cracked myself up. There was something about the way he said it or how it sounded that would make me weak in the knees like a damn old time movie. It’s cute she is swooning over him calling her that and her working through the emotions of ” oh shit .. I like that”. I enjoyed everything about this song honestly.

12. Life of A Show Girl (featuring Sabrina Carpenter)
I love me some Taylor and Sabrina but what I really like is the theme of this song.
I was in the performing arts for a long ass time and I can so fucking relate to this song.
To be honest … this song made me cry the most. Embracing the fucking chaos of the stage and the rollercoaster that it takes you on. It’s so fucking fun. I’m hoping we get a video for this song or a live performance of it.. it’s sooo good. I don’t know he can’t be played on the radio. Both of them sound fantastic. Lyrically… perfection. Musically.. even better.
Ending this song with the crowd cheering and I believe it’s audio from the Eras Tour which gives us a little kiss on the cheek from Taylor as she ends her story of her life on Tour.

The journey the Eras Tour took us all in. From the Tortured Poet fighting like hell to keep her head above the water to the Showgirl in love and ready for the next adventure what ever that will be. It was a great story and I really liked this album. It may even be in my top 5 Taylor albums. I’m looking forward to see where this album goes and what is coming next. She always makes things fun for her fans. Also… the wedding. I’m really excited for that day to come. Life of A Showgirl Era is definitely a fun- love fest filled with vulnerable lyrics and a cheeky attitude. I’m here for it.

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear what you have to say about the album, video, press, social media chaos, easter eggs, lyrics, your personal stories… I’m here for it.

Thanks for hanging in there on this long one. Have a great week!

Gagged by music labels.

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Recently Halsey had a sit down interview with Zane Lowe. It was really interesting how candid she was about the her standings with the music industry.

First off, can we agree that no one does a music interview better than Zane Lowe. If you have never witness this man work his magic, and you love music, you must watch his interviews. They are perfection. I would say his show is #1 for music lovers with NPR’s Tiny Desk concerts coming in as a close 2nd

In the Halsey interview it was interesting what she was saying out-loud and not holding back about the music industry. Zane starts bringing up new music and Halsey instantly shifts energy. At one point she says “I can’t make album right now”. Zane can tell she’s frustrated he slows down to give Halsey space while looking a little surprised she said it. She continues to say, “I’m not allowed to”. She went on to say her label didn’t like the way her last album was received by the public. Her newest album sold $100,000 copies in the first week, her recent tour made more money than she’s ever made on tour. Yet, her label was upset because she wasn’t doing better. They also compared her to other pop singers and how their albums were doing.

In Haley’s defense, her newest album wasn’t a pop album.. it was a concept album. Which sort of screams… we’re taking some risks here. If her label was so concerned about numbers, why let her run with a concept album? I feel that’s sort of like giving a child the biggest cookie in the cookie jar and then slapping their hand after they eat it. A concept album is an artist playground that any artist would love to roam through for the love of their craft. To labels, execs, and so forth, concept albums are a gamble and a financial risk. Sure some concept albums have done amazing but most fall under what that artist is expected to financially make.

Halsey stands by her newest album saying she’s pretty proud of it and loves it. In all transparency, i don’t own many Halsey songs BUT I think Halsey is a talented woman with a rare voice that makes her music stand out. When I say rare…please don’t take that as a disparaging remark. Other amazing female artists with rare voices like Janis Joplin, Tori Amos, Bjork, Kate Bush, Rickie Lee Jones, Dolly Parton, Pink, Florence Welch, Chappell Roan, Fiona Apple, Alanis Morissette, Stevie Nicks, Sade, Macey Gray, and I know I’m missing some but those are just the ones that popped in my head first. These talented women stood out from the peers because their voices were different. Different is good.

Now I’m going to say something that’s going to either piss some of you off or make you roll your eyes. Make artists can make a concept album easier than female artists can. If you don’t believe that, look up who made concept albums and what they made afterwards. Look into how it was critically received, what it made financially, and what they made afterwards. Female artists do not usually bounce back from a concept album that was “poorly” received in the eyes of music labels. There aren’t many.

Listening to the pain and frustration in her voice yet she sounded defeated. That made me feel really sad for her. Not many people buy physical copies of music. Many don’t make music videos anymore. Many don’t put a lot of energy into anything extra besides the actual music. The reach doesn’t go as far as it use to. Not many of us listen to the radio, plus the radio stations aren’t playing anything that wasn’t bought and sold to play on rotation, MTV isn’t playing music, and concerts are too expensive to attend just so you can check an artist out after they’ve had a few hits. So how does one get their music out there? The answer. Their team. That responsibility rests on the Team’s shoulders . Did Halsey’s team fail her a bit? Did the label not push enough to get her music out there? Or were people just not interested in a concept album? These are the questions that will never get answered or looked at , they will just slowly pull the plug on her music.

They tried to do this with Pink. She basically flipped the switch and took control. When is the last time you heard a Pink song? Pink’s net worth today is about $150 million. Her tour in 2023-2024 brought in over $700 million in record sales. Halsey, should have a conversation with Pink.

I also feel that Miley Cyrus is going through something similar that Halsey is going through. Is she getting label push back after her last album? Hey lady album seemed a bit like a concept album and she could possibly be doing something similar on her new album coming out. Miley had some weight in this industry though. With her family planted in music from dad, sister, and god mother all rooted in the music industry, plus her successful Disney roots… she’s going to get more room to play.

Should Halsey leave her label and find a newer label that is thirsty for artists to join them? I think she should. It’s clear in her tone of voice and her words that her trust in her label and possibly her team isn’t wavering. The question is , CAN she leave her label?

We just saw the uphill battle Paramore went through with Atlantic records. A 20 year contract signed when they were practically children. This contract was garbage and Atlantic records saw the talent and took advantage of those kids. That is some pretty shady shit. Twenty years later, Paramore is finally free from the grasp of Atlantic while Hayley Williams has made her own record label named “Post Atlantic”. Clearly she’s not bitter. Haha! First off , I think it’s kinda brilliant (petty but brilliant). Halsey should talk to Hayley Williams.

The question that has been circulating behind closed doors… will artist all start creating their own record labels? Will we have a bunch of indie artists running around? Hell… I’m all for that! Why not? There has been speculation for YEARS that Taylor Swift will end up creating her own music label. (I’m calling it now.. if she does…. I think the label will be called The Summit or Summit Records) After her Big Machine/ Scooter Braun show down… will she start her own recording label? It’s possible.

Does an artist, at this point, NEED a record label? Not really, if they have the funds themselves to make it happen. If they don’t have the funds, then I think a label and a team is much needed.

Who are YOU listening to right now? Are they on a big label or are they an indie artist?

Until next time, be kind to people and be kind to yourself. Much love to ya!

Money & The World We Live In

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Welp… I write this with 12 cents in my account and a frustration that burns me to my core.

As the cost of everything keeps rising and (honestly it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better) I’m definitely fighting to stay above water.

Rent went up over $100 extra a month, my health insurance went up and extra $90 a month resulting in me canceling it ( then of course with my luck went straight to the ER a week after canceling and had over $7000 of tests and scans ran) , car insurance went up and extra $20 a month, gas is up, and groceries … ya all I gotta say about that is what a bunch of fucking bullshit. I won’t even start about my taxes I have to pay for my business, considering I still owe $11,000 from last year let I make a little over $3,000 a month.

This is America.

And half the population thinks it’s rad I guess? I’m not really understanding.

I was told… “oh no. Don’t worry. You see.. it’s going to get better. Just wait and see. Prices will go down. Things will be great.” Who are you fucking gaslighting? Yourself??

Adding to that, we have had a fuck ton of violent crimes this year. Kids being taken away from us while they are at school, activist gone for having an opinion , assaults are on the rise , political violence…. I mean fuck man. A dude just tried to fuck up a LGBTQ nightclub in my town because he was doing it for “political reasons” and in the name of someone who passed away (wtf!?!)

Oh and media (because they are afraid to do fucking anything now) just glossed over the facts on the death of a student at a Mississippi college who was found hung in a tree. Cops told the family … oops it was suicide and he was found on campus. That was a lie. Also, who beats themselves up to where they have bruises all over them, the. Breaks their own legs, then hangs himself from a tree? Are you fucking kidding me? This same school had a teacher gunned down in his office last year because they didn’t like he was teaching Native American history. Everybody is ok with this?

Yesterday , on record, our president said that basically no media should say anything bad about him and basically said why should we give them a license for that? It was a very odd and twisted interview that was far worse than “old drunk uncle Ben at the family party talking out his ass again “ vibes .

This is slipping into “Authoritarian” vibes instead. If you disagree. That’s cool. I don’t know if I should feel compassion and feel sorry for you or feel frustrated that you are so easily taken advantage of.

Oh and everyone in Congress pretty much sucks. Do we have anyone with half a brain there? Sadly, no.

I could go on and on about how I feel about it but God forbid I speak my mind on what’s happening around me and to my community with out hurting the feelings of others that don’t care to hear about actual issues or real -life situations .

How long will some of you keep your head buried in the sand? Also, is it an ego thing for you to admit that we are in a total shit show and falling fast? Or is it masochistic thing you got going on as things go from bad to worse? Is it that you have given up and feel you aren’t worthy of a better life because you are stuck where you’re at so everyone else should be miserable too kind of thing? Or are you just a heartless person that has zero compassion, show sociopathic tendencies, and hate puppies & happiness? No seriously. What is it that makes a lot of you think this is awesome?

I’m so disappointed in people. I grieve the loss of humanity. I’ve never felt so broken, worried, despair, and beat down in my life…. And I’ve been through some of the most toxic- narcissistic abuse for many years… and this feels worse.

I get it. You love something or someone so much you are willing to “stick it out” , “turn the other cheek”, or “be the bigger person” all for the sake of you holding on the a delusional hope that one day they will love you, see you for who you are, or show you an ounce of compassion or care. You make excuses for their behavior. You blame yourself. You even stay for the gaslighting because they must be right. You would crawl over broken glass for them to give you 15 min of what your heart truly desires.

One day … you may wake up. You may realize, I don’t need them in my life to get what my heart truly desires. They were keeping me in a choke hold while blaming ME that I can’t breathe.

I look around and just see angry, tired, frustrated and broken people. All trying their best (some are falling short on the effort) but still trying to survive through this wacky-fucked-up game show of life. Does anyone know the perfect solution? Probably not. But… what I choose or how I choose to survive will not harm another person , starve a child, make someone feel inferior or not worthy, lie or lie for evil people, excuse predatory or abusive behavior, cherry pick versus in a bible or words in the constitution to excuse my words or behavior, or put down someone for their race, sexual preference or religion.

I am very broken today and feel extremely defeated. I grieve for humanity. My heart is broken by how cruel it is lately. How awful and evil people can be and excuse their behavior with some ridiculous excuse. How greedy people are that they will suck your livelihood, life, love, hope, snd dreams right out of you so that they can feel important and get off on it.

It’s sick.

Im tired of crying and staying up all night worrying of the “how’s” and “why’s” Im so tired.

It’s like… you try to do the right thing and just live your life and work to survive while you feel like someone is stepping on your neck and yelling at you to get up.

I’m so tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of seeing buildings obliterated with hungry children with dirt all over their innocent little faces with eyes that show so much pain and worry. I’m tired of people getting hurt or taken away from their families, never to return. I’m tired of kids losing a parent at a young age. I’m tired of the fucking violence and the people that make excuses for it.

My heart is broken and I don’t understand why or how some are good with things. I don’t understand.

Money… it seems to rule over everything. Without it, you are just a number on a sheet of paper that is quietly forgot about.

You would think at this point I would be a pro at being forgotten about. It’s happened to me time , and time , and time again . I’m only worthy if someone needs something from me. I’m only needed as a last resort. I am never loved but need to show others how much they are loved.

Sometimes, I wish I did have a lot of money. Maybe it’s easier to disappear, restructure your life that you aren’t feeling so low. You bury your head in the sand so you don’t get hurt? Maybe?

I dunno. I don’t have the answers .. clearly. Look at where I’m at.

There’s got to be a better way than all this. There’s got to be a way. This can’t be it.

I’m not sure how much more I can handle. It’s just.. overwhelmingly sad

I am overwhelmingly sad.

What’s On Repeat

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I have a few songs on repeat lately.

Thought I’d do a little Show & Tell today

Hayley Williams – Parachute

Jack White – Archbishop Harold Holmes

Amyl and the Sniffers – Jerkin’

Florence & The Machine – Everybody Scream

Sabrina Carpenter – Tears

Back To The Music

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Hello there! It’s been a bit since we’ve talked music. Honestly, with all the stupid shit going on in the world, I haven’t been enjoying anything. From health, to financials, the United States being a total shit show, and coming to the realization of just how awful people really are …
I haven’t been in the mood to pretend to be OK.

After a long weekend of being at my breaking point, I decided to turn back to music. I’d rather distract myself from the outside noise and worry than sit here a nervous wreck over everything. So …. where do we start? This summer has been a lot of highs and lows in music and I say we go back to the month of July.

Ozzy
The death of Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t a surprise to most people. His family and Ozzy himself had been talking about his health decline for a while now. Still… when the news came across
it did shock me a bit. I never listened to his music, was a big fan of the Osbourne’s reality show, but that genre of music was never my thing. With that being said, I still knew of his work and respected his craft. It was heartbreaking to watch the family grieve his loss and I wasn’t even a big fan of his music so I can’t imagine how his biggest fans felt hearing the news of his passing. Rest in Peace Ozzy.

Summer Music Releases
In July, we saw a handful of various artist drop albums. Backstreet Boys, Ciara, Madonna and Alice Cooper. Did you listen to any of those? I sure didn’t. I didn’t know these new albums existed. It wasn’t until the Backstreet Boys did their concert at The Sphere in Vegas I even realized that they were singing together again. I’ve seen a lot of video footage from The Sphere from various shows… the Backstreet Boys footage didn’t do it for me. Over the summer we saw footage of U2, the Wizard of Oz, and some electronica music that I’ve never heard before but the show they put on was friggin bad ass. I would have paid for that and I’m not even a fan of that kind of music. The Backstreet Boys video footage was … meh.
Was I surprise? Nope. Madonna put out music and I never heard a peep about it. Not one word. However, a young man named Alex Warren released his first album, “You’ll be alright, Kid” and the new single that will be added to many wedding’s playlist was born, “Ordinary”.
This song would earn Alex many nominations and he went on to win Best New Artist at the 2025 VMA Awards ( don’t get me fucking started on the VMA’s, I don’t know how a channel that doesn’t play music gets to have an award show… so dumb) Many people are annoyed with this song much like when Ed Sheeran jumped on the scene. I’m biased. I’ve been following Alex and his wife Kouver on social media since 2020 and I loved following their story.
How can anyone watch the video to “Ordinary” and not smile or even shed a tear? If you don’t feel something watching that… You may need to question if you have a soul. It’s pretty beautiful.

August slipped away like a bottle of wine… oops sorry… it’s habit.
In August, many albums dropped and many seem to be swings and misses based on where they charted and the number of streams they had.
Renee Rap, Jonas Brothers (Joe Jonas can kick rocks btw), Chance The Rapper, Machine Gun Kelly, Kid Audi, Deftness, Maroon 5 (geezus I will hold my tongue on this one)… they all faded into the streaming abyss but one came out a mother fucking champion and that is
Ms. Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina’s “Man’s Best Friend” album dropped on August 29th and not without controversy. Many were offended by her album cover saying it was too dirty, feminist weren’t happy, mothers were covering their children’s eyes… these aren’t Gen X people obviously. So Sabrina said, Hold My Beer, and created many cover variants for the album. Now people can choose from the risqué ones to Sabrina holding a puppy. Whatever floats your boat folks. I am a big fan of her other albums “Emails I Can’t Send” and “Short & Sweet”, so I was definitely looking forward to this one. Do I enjoy this new album more than “emails”? Yes. Do I enjoy the new album more than “S & S”. Nope. However, this is a good album and we all know the videos are gonna be amazing. Ever since “Feather” she’s been knocking out of the park with her videos … especially with the theme that she’s is always offing the men in the videos. I find that hilarious and I’m a fan of it. Sabrina Carpenter such a little showgirl. But.. we’ll get back to that later.

(side note: Hayley Williams dropped her new album ( Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party) in August but I am not ready to fully talk about it. It has sent me into a weird place and has awakened something that I don’t want to really face at the moment. It’s great. I just don’t want to dive in to it. The song “Parachute” fucked me up. She has messed me up before with some Paramore jams… but this one hurt. So let’s touch base with her later.)

September things look a little quiet (but not necessarily boring) on the music front with albums dropping from Ed Sheeran, Lola Young, Nine Inch Nails, Dojo Cat, and Mariah Carey.
I do think Doja Cat will come out swinging and drop a great single for sure. She experimented the last go around, many said they were disappointed in the album which some raved it was her best one yet. I do enjoy Tik Tok era of Doja Cat and wasn’t too much of a fan with the most recent drop… I still think she is a highly talented and entertaining singer that is not going down without a fight. I think that’s what I’ve always liked about her. The one album I am looking forward to in September… Cardi B’s “Am I The Drama?” The title alone has got me in a choke hold to see what she’s going to bring to the table. Cardi B had all social media platforms cracking up from her summer trial. Some of the funnest moments of the summer ( Hello?… Hello?? fucking kills me every time!) and it was refreshing to watch the trial and not think about anything else that’s been going on lately. Cardi B always comes through with one or two hard hitting & fun tracks that make you clutch your pears while dancing your ass off. I’m ready for a good dance off.

So what’s next? Don’t be ridiculous.
Ya’ll KNOW I’m waiting on pins and needles for October 3rd. Taylor Swift is dropping “Life Of A Show Girl” including a track with our tiniest showgirl Sabrina Carpenter. In usually Taylor fashion, the past month has been secret countdowns, Easter Eggs, announcements and her engagement to Travis Kelce. This new album… I’m considering it a birthday gift. Plus this has actually given me something to look forward to. I haven’t had too many of those moments lately. I’ve seen some of the album cover variants, still shots, and a small video clip … I am loving the aesthetic and the costuming is being done by Bob Mackie. So what could this mean? Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Taylor headlining Vegas or doing “Life Of A Showgirl” in the Vegas Sphere. I can see her watching footage of others shows in the Sphere and thinking … I wanna fucking do that. I think it would be so fun and the Bob Mackie costuming would fit in Vegas perfectly. It wouldn’t have to be a big run like the Eras Tour was. Just a smaller run in Vegas would be outstanding. Rumors are swirling around that she could be performing at the half time show. I’m not sure about that… but I’ll guess we shall see. I could see her teaming up with Sabrina Carpenter and the HAIM sisters for a fun show.

Music Festivals
As far as concerts go, there has been some tremendous talent on tour this summer oh and Katy Perry. But much to my surprise… Lollapalooza is still alive and kicking and brought artists like Tyler the Creator, Olivia Rodrigo (friends I promise I won’t my soapbox on this girl… but seriously someone get her a better team. Geezus), Sabrina Carpenter, and Doechii. I would have loved to see Doechii perform live. There was a mishap this summer when she played too long and they pull the plug on her show in the middle of a song and she went Super Sonic Angry. But girl… there’s a time limit. I love you but buy a watch or something. Damn.
The “When We Were Young” Music festival kicks off in Vegas October 18-19. If I wasn’t married to my job and had to work every single moment of my life to stay a float, I would go to this mother fucker. Blink 182, Panic! At the Disco, Avril Lavigne (meh), the Offspring (meh meh) but then they put Weezer on the line-up. I fucking LOVE Weezer. Guess what my favorite song is? If you guess right we will be best friends but I bet you won’t guess it right. Haha!

Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of : Amyl & The Sniffers, Rage Against The Machine, Cheap Perfume, Green Day, Paramore, Gracie Abrams, The Belair Lip Bombs, The Bangles and Hayley Williams new solo album. What have you been listening to that has gotten you through life lately?

Coming Up: VMA’s Recap & Rants
In closing…. Take care of yourself out there.Shit is bat shit crazy and I’m about to sell grapefruit on corners and sell a kidney on the black market (that is a joke so please don’t censor my blog for a joke and claim it’s saying harmful things. I’m fucking tired of these platforms censoring EVERYTHING because people are whiny bitches) Also try to be nice to people (yes, I did just say that after calling you a whiny bitch), don’t hurt anyone, don’t point fingers at people especially when you don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, be kind to animals, and stop parking over the line. Basically don’t be a savage.
Chat Soon? Have a great rest of your week!

  • If you are new to this blog.. First off Hello.
    Next… I don’t proofread anything. So either ignore the mishaps or use your imagination. I barely have time in the week to do this, I don’t have time to proofread and doll it up. My apologies, I just don’t have the patience. If its something that is a deal breaker for you.. I completely understand. But it’s just not gonna happen.