Well, it’s a new day.

I’m sure many of you are feeling the stress of what is going on in the world. There really hasn’t been anything to celebrate, be proud of, or feel good about in quite a long time.

I got gas three days ago- $3.60

Got gas yesterday – $4.20

Good times.

Rent is going up. My rent went uo $100 last year and now it’s most likely going up again. I pay over $1200 in rent.

My grocery bill hasn’t been under $280 in almost a year.

I’m not making any MORE money. In fact, I’m making less and have more bills to pay. Yet prices are consistently going up.

The daily routine: Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Cry. Go to bed.

Rinse & Repeat

There’s a constant feeling of worry & stress that looms day & night.

I don’t feel much joy, peace, happiness, or safety.

Last night, after a day of a little fuckery, I was at my limit. Tired, sad, overwhelmed, worried… it was too much. When that happens, it makes me think about other things that I have bottled up and don’t voice anything about. The well being of friends, being closed out, coming home to an empty place and not having anyone that really has time or cares what I have to say. It’s just a lot.

I woke up this morning, put my big girl pants on, and knew I had to face the day. I have a business to co-run. I have responsibilities to attend to. Feeling hopeless and sad isn’t going pay bills or make anything better .

So when I woke up I did my skin care routine that I skipped yesterday, spent 10 extra min in the shower to clear my head and use my new body wash, did my hair and make up, made a cup of coffee , had a slice of local made sourdough bread, contemplating getting my nails done , thought about going pink again for my hair, turned on tunes, ignored my phone for a few hours and submitted an application for an advisory board for my city.

Am I starting a little too late to jump into city workings and possibly politics. Probably. But fuck … Mitch McConnell is out there Washington still doing his thing and has NOOO fucking idea where he is or what’s is happening… so I think I have some good years left in me.

Also, a piece of property is going up for sale downtown and it’s very special and I want it. I’m gonna by lotto tickets and cross my fingers , toes, whatever it takes… this property has three homes on it and a farm. I want to help the farmers on that land continue to do what they do. I want to preserve a piece of history in my area.

Sadness , uncertainty, grief, insecurity, and fear isnt going to shut me down. Sure, it may creep in during the wee hours of the morning… but right now… now is the time to accept the world and people for who they are and what they show you. You can’t do anything about it, it is what it is. You gotta just keep fighting through your day to make your own sunlight. If not, the darkness consumes you and you’re stuck.

Sure , everyone keeps saying it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. It’s pretty fucking bad now so…. Fuck. I guess I’ll continue to talk to myself, figure out things on my own, work through shit day to day, try not to worry or stress over things that I have no control over or say in… surrender.

Feeling something is usually frowned upon by others. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced.

I’m not going to apologize for caring. If people can’t understand that … that’s not my problem AND I refuse to be anyone but myself.

Fuck it.

Well… I’m off to start my day. Not much sleep happened last night, there were many tears shed, but I won’t allow my sadness, stress, and fear follow me today.

Today is a completely different day, a fresh start, & new day for opportunity.

I hope you are doing well and I wish the best for all of you as we navigate through this fucking dumpster fire of a world filled with some pretty shitty people. Be the reason to give someone hope that there are good people out there.

Much love to you.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4WAcA09PP6kSj8eywfsIWn?si=lg5K8sceRuWqtLQD3BnPCA

Lost in the tears tonight.

I’ve been thinking so much lately and the silence of not knowing how someone is … is so loud. The honesty in the silence is more honesty than I get in words.. and for that I’m so sad. It’s one thing to sit in the silence but to grieve the silence and the dismissal of being enough for someone’s words… is like a heavy weight, tied to your ankle, pulling you into the depths of the Unkown.

Worry.

It puts you on edge because your mind won’t let it rest. It’s there to put you to sleep at night and drag you out of bed in the morning. You’ll face another day with silence and your thoughts.

Uncertainty.

There is so much of it in the world. It stares us in the face everyday. It taunts us & mocks us. So much uncertainty.

What hurts worse?

Words, actions, or the silence?

When your soul cries out for one word. Some sort of sign….Are you okay?

There is fucking silence.

So I cry. Not because I want to… because it’s the only option I have.

Tonight… sadness will overwhelm me until I fall asleep. Because in dreams, I know how are you are. I hear your voice. I feel your presence. I hear your laugh. I feel your fingers interlock with mine and you tell me how you are. It’s in that dream state that I feel some peace.

The silence is fucking hell. I’ve been sentenced to hell, and I’m not sure what crimes I’m being punished for.

But I’m here… in silence. Worried. Waiting. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

Silence. It’s ….so….. loud.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6NTYphxIdN60YEL8XPomHo?si=deK5y78GQYmYo4hkjM6Gjg

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that people either loathe or Love it. Although I don’t really partake in the holiday, I do Love it. Do I think everyone knows what unconditional Love is? Sadly No. I do think people confuse Love with other words like.. lust, complacency, codependency, obligation, surrender, greed, revenge, friendship, or just “meh you’ll do”.

The actual definition of Love is vague as fuck. When reading it… it doesn’t really represent what unconditional-true blue- over the moon- Love is does it?

You see … vague as fuck. This definition could almost describe how much you Love pizza or your fondness for baby animal videos that find their way across your feed. It doesn’t really describe the unconditional Love that you feel for the person you adore the most. Does it?

Kids lead by example. If a child never is shown what unconditional Love is… when will they learn? Once they reach adulthood, they’ve already adopted what the word Love could mean or have a warped sense of the word and now it’s an act they won’t unlearn out of repetition, protection, or deflection.

Is choosing complacency or obligation Love? Is lust, the kind that races through your body and intercepts logic in your brain, Love? Is being dealt a hand and grasping it just because it’s easier Love?

You can Love a chilly day in October. You can Love your sister or brother. You can Love a great Pad Thai. But if you say you Love the person you want to spend the rest of your life with… it seems … pointless. Because one day, you’re gonna bitch and complain that it’s too windy on that October day or the day when you say “I’m sick of Pad Thai, I want to “try” something else. To be with the person your heart beats for, your body gets filled with butterflies when you hear their voice, and your soul lightens up when they walk through the door.. that isn’t Love…. that is unconditional- true blue- over the moon- LOVE.

Why would someone not want to feel that? Do they know that it exists? Do they not feel worthy of that? I’m not sure & I will ever understand why THAT kind of Love isn’t accepted, appreciated, and shown more.

Valentine’s Day is cute, sweet, thoughtful, but it’s not often represented as Unconditional Love.

If someone handed me a card that said… “I like having hot sex with you, let’s keep enjoying each other’s company while the time lasts”. I would respect that more than someone handing me a card that says I Love You all while they have a side piece and talk shit about the way you look or what they don’t like about you to their friends. That’s not Love AND that’s not worth it to anyone involved. It’s actually denying everyone in that situation true happiness or Love.

So… is “Love” actually worth it?

Unconditional Love chooses who & when. You’re not gonna get around it. Your brain could say … “umm ya… this is not a good idea” and follow up with a list of why it isn’t a good idea to unconditionally Love this person. If you truly Love someone , none of that matters. You will still fucking love them more than anything in the world. Now can you love them from a far? Sure. It feels like fucking torture but Yes, you can Love them and not be with them. Your heart holds a place for them and your mind will replay the curve of their face, the sound of their voice, the touch of their hand … through out your life. It’s gonna fucking hurt. It’s gonna hurt but, you can say that you truly have felt the magic of unconditional Love. It’s rare but you were lucky enough to hold it in your heart.

And life moves on.

You see the flowers, the hearts, the cards, the whole parade of Valentine’s Day march across your screen, down your street, or right in your face… and it makes you think about things. All you can do is smile and hope that they feel unconditionally Loved and that they remember this day vividly for the rest of their days so that this memory can bring a smile on their face on their cloudiest day. To bring them peace when their life is currently in chaos. To ease their pain when they are deeply hurting. To make them laugh when they need it the most.

Unconditional Love. I hope they feel that.

I have no desire to be married.

I don’t want to claim someone’s last name.

Hell…I don’t want to claim anyone’s time or have someone claim my shit.

What I want (and have always wanted) is to have someone to sing , dance and be silly with.

That’s it.

I watch these two and my heart smiles.

They are just so fucking cool

This year “Boys For Pele” turns 30yrs old.

It’s crazy that this album is 30yrs old. What seems like just yesterday, has been a chapter that has long passed. Now, Tori’s new studio album “In Times Of Dragons” will be here May 1st , 2026. This will be her 18th studio album accompanied with a summer tour.

“Boys For Pele” was an incredible album. One of her best in my opinion. The love I have for this album runs deep not only because it’s brilliant, it truly was the crutch that got me over the finish line.

I listened to this album (maybe too many times) through out a time in my life that I felt like I was losing everything, including myself.

Heartbroken, devastated, hurt, ashamed, lost, and alone… I turned to Pele for comfort and in return it gave me a bit of strength. Those nights I curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, hoping the ground would just give way and swallow me. Life was painful and the tears were too much. There were nights I would cry so hard that my face was unrecognizable. My heart and spirit were shattered.

Pele would pick me up off the floor, light a candle and sandalwood incense, and dance wildly around my apartment that had no furniture besides a bed, a bean bag chair, and a dresser. Even today when I stare into a flame or watch the smoke from incense swirl in the air… I think of Pele

This album had so much strength yet haunting sadness. It was a voice in the darkness that embraced you or threw you into fits of rage. It was beautiful.

I’ve spent the last 30 years scotch-taping my heart & spirit back together and not very successfully (as we all know tape loses its grip eventually) but Pele has always been there to catch me.

“In the Springtime of his Voodoo”, “Talula” will still make me dance around my living room. While “Little Amsterdam” & “Professional Widow” still make me want to light a match and set it on fire ( they give off that “Precious Things” vibe)

But it’s always Pele’s silent pain that will haunt me… “Putting the Damage On” , “Doughnut Song”, “Hey Jupiter”, and mother fucking “Twinkle”.

Twinkle– is the heart & soul of this album. Back to Tori and her piano, mixing beauty, sadness, pain, love, forgiveness, happiness all in to a cauldron and teetering between light & dark.

There are days I park my car, stare in to the dark skies, and listen to “Twinkle”. it eases my worries to ask the skies “are they ok”, “do they know how much I still love them”, “can they feel my soul embrace them when the are feeling sad or scared”, “will the universe grant me forgiveness & understanding”, “am I going to be ok” So many questions go through my mind during a 3 minute song that feels like 40 seconds. So many worries, so much unsaid feelings, sometimes many tears… but there is a sense of love, forgiveness, and understanding that drives that song. It gives me the same feeling as “Somewhere Out There” from American Tail. It does! There is this big fucking sky, one moon, and you are sitting there underneath this gorgeous umbrella of stars , and your hoping your magick will reach them , grab their hand, kiss them on the cheek good night, and check in on their well being. It’s like giving them a hug from far away which in return heals you a bit each time.

Life lately? Well .. it’s been shit. This cold hearted, hateful, vengeful world is disgusting. Plus I’m tired of fighting to keep my head above water. I’m drowning but this time, on my own terms. There isn’t any accomplice .. it’s just me. Hi. I’m the problem. (Sorry I couldn’t resist) I have put myself here, cut away from living the “every day” life and took the leap in to fulfilling I dream I’ve had for a long time. It does make my heart happier, but it’s not very secure and at my age making these sacrifices are scary as hell. I have $200 to my name, no health insurance, an amount of debt, bills, big worries, some health concerns, a car that still hasn’t had an oil change, … and a sense that life is over the “half way over” mark. This is it… the grand finale of my life.

Looking around, is everything and everyone I love in the grand finale of my life? Am I where I want to be in this final chapters of my life’s story? Although I’m living my dream, I can’t help to think about the missing pieces that are still scattered like ash across this town. If I could get a big enough Dust Buster I would gather all of them up and place them in a jar for safe keeping. It’s hard to protect the people and things you care about when they are hiding from your view. It seems impossible to get through a day without thinking about them.

This world is so fucking heartless. I’m afraid I’m not cut out for it, and I won’t conform to it.

Maybe “In Times Of Dragons” is needed at this dark time? Terrifying….yet blissfully satisfying. Much like Pele.

I guess we’ll find out May 1st.

Happy Monday Everyone.

Today is Martin Luther King Day and our team will be in the MLK parade today riding around with our community. It’s crazy to think how far the country jumped forward and how it’s on its way free fall backwards. Today we join hands with our community to bring forth (in the key of Elvis Costello) Peace, Love, and Understanding.

Our business has been struggling. I say has because we have been on an increase of foot traffic and revenue. We have worked our asses off refurbishing our location , adding features and we bought a whole ass metaphysical shop and are moving it into our location… so wild!

So today, after the parade, we will be running back to our location to unload a plethora of products, moving retail furnishings around and trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. With this being said … our incense & crystal selection is fucking bomb! I’m gonna have to hold back from taking it all home with me! 😂

So we have a boxes full of hope sitting on our shop floor. We are exhausted. Our bodies hurt from all the moving and changing. There have been many tears, sleepless nights, worry, but there is also excitement, wonder, hope, and whimsy that’s felt like a magical shift.

The world is heavy and watching everything unfold… it’s been fucking heartbreaking. Watching our communities get terrorized is fucking disgusting. Anyone that would supports all this shit is a fucking monster.

It will be good to stand with our community today and feel how much love and support we have for each other. It’s a much needed dose of happiness & hope.

I love being cold and wearing sweatshirts and bulky sweaters. The weather here is heating up this week and I have to be honest… I’m not mad at it.

There’s been some dark, heavy, stressful, and sad days for months and for the first time (in a long time) I can’t wait to soak up the weather today and drive around this afternoon in this weather.

It’s a busy day at work which means we’ll be riding around downtown this afternoon and late evening and it feels like a good time to take a breath, look around, gain some sanity & calm back, and put things in to perspective.

There is so much uncertainty going on in the world right now, especially here in the US. With the unstable conditions of Iran , the meeting today to bring a proposal to purchase Greenland (I can’t believe that is something that is actually happening…. It’s embarrassing), and the chaos in Venezuela. Now they are threatening to bomb Mexico. What a shit show.

Trump stated last night he won’t tolerate Iran punishing and killing their protestors. Also stated that the people of Iran should rise up and basically overthrow their government. The irony of it all makes my brain do mental gymnastics that will fall short of a perfect landing. What the actual fuck is happening.

This is the kind of shit that has me absolutely terrified of WW3. If that shit goes down I will not survive, I know that. I don’t have the funds, the family, the nerve to make decisions. If shit goes down , I will definitely be in need of saving because … I don’t event know… fuck me running … this is a fucking mess.

So….shoving all that aside plus the day to day stress of my life… I need this day outside. It’s a much needed break from everything. Just cruising around town, sitting the desk, and cruising some more. It’s a long day but a good day.

Putting everything out of my mind and just staying focused on the beautiful weather, the happiness I feel today, and the hope I’m clinging to that things will be ok.

Even if it’s for one day. I’ll take it.

I am at a cross road. I’m emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. So I have two personalities jockeying for position currently.

One – depressed me that is overwhelmed by everything , crying myself to sleep at night with a playlist on repeat, not wanting to get out of bed, avoiding all gluten, cutting back on coffee, afraid to drive my car anywhere ( my tires are low, I haven’t had an oil change in a year… I’m terrified to drive any farther than my work and home) , cry and feel regret, worry myself sick about friend’s medical outcomes, numb out and disassociate, cry in the parking lot because I don’t want to grocery shop but also cry because I don’t have the money to grocery shop, be so upset that there are some evil fucked up people in the world and I feel useless in helping in any way shape or form, I think about my death at least twice a week, I’m worried because I don’t know if I have the skills to survive WW3, and cry some more.

Then there is cunty me that is fucking tired of men doing and saying WHATEVER they fucking want because they want it their way or no way else, go to bed mad because I want to light a match and burn it all the fuck down, I wanna eat a loaf of garlic bread with a jar of spaghetti sauce, I want a 32 oz coffee every other day.. fuck it … it’s the only think lately that doesn’t make me wanna walk the plank on a daily basis, I wanna get in my car and just drive the fuck away from here , I want to pretend for a weekend someplace else and have no responsibilities, room service, & wild nights with zero regrets, I am fucking tired of feeling guilty for loving people, i want to curse all the horrible fucking mean people in the world and smite my enemies, in the event of WW3 I think I could be an excellent informant that will cut you from balls to throat if you threaten me, my family, or my friends..:. Seriously from nuts to thorax. Fucking done with people not recognizing my worth and treating me like a consolation prize..:… burn it fucking down

Which of these alter egos will prevail?

Maybe I just need an oil change and a good hair cut & facial? I dunno I can’t figure it out all in one night.

Or….. I can just choose to be this chick…

On this day, 35 years ago my mother walked in to my room and said “I need to go to the hospital”.

There was a couple sentences exchanged here and there in the next 6 hours , but that was the last sentence I truly remember.

35 years ago, she went into the hospital to die and I would never talk to her again.

She was in and out of consciousness for a couple days but passed on January 4th. As the days get closer and closer to that date… I feel myself slowly slipping into sadness.

She was done with this world and didn’t want to be in it. She had enough of her life. She wasn’t happy. The man she loved was a fucking sick pedophile unfaithful alcoholic monster that treated her like a piece of shit. And it absolutely killed her to face that.

She was so unhappy and life wasn’t fair to her. Yet she was fair to everyone and kind.

I wish I was a little bit older when everything happened. I Would have done things differently for sure.

35 years ago… that seems like a lifetime that I’ve lived without her. Sometimes when the ones you love disappear you don’t realize how much time has gone by because you feel frozen in that moment of time. If you stay frozen there… you can’t forget them.

It’s been proven that I’m pretty forgettable but I wonder if she remembers me.

I would really like if she did .

It would be nice if someone remembered that I’m still here.

I hope she remembers

I am sill here

Please remember

Who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere

😢 ❤️