YNope not a horror related post. Although, the last two weeks have been pretty fucking horrifying. But… I digress.
Life lately has been off. You feel it too right? So much frustration, uncertainty, and awful sucker punching .. left and right. It’s so hard not to feel like we are all in the Bell Jar on a daily basis. Sometimes I just wanna yell “When the fuck is this nightmare gonna fucking end?”
Yesterday, was a whirlwind of a day.
I woke up, and it took 10 min for me to not feel shitty. I was freezing (I’m getting to that old lady age where I’m freezing if it’s under 70 degrees). Anyone over 50 experience this shit?
It’s a bit ridiculous really. I remember going to dance clubs in my 20’s, in the middle of winter, and no jacket in sight with a skirt or dress on. Not cold at all. Now.. I can’t step outta my apartment without a jacket or hoodie and it’s 74 outside. What the hell is that about?
Getting old kinda sucks but I also like to wear it like a fucking survival badge.
I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so cold but I’m too cheap to turn the heater on. Heat in this economy? I don’t think so. I’ll light something on fire before I spend anything else.
I spent most of the night worrying, crying, overthinking, and just being scared as hell.
Rock Bottom doesn’t feel too great but when you are feeling the weight of everything that is going wrong or everything you know about… it just seems so … dark and cold.
After yesterday, I decided I would approach today a little differently. There were multiple encounters yesterday where people showed so much kindness and all though there were some scary conversations, it was the first time I felt like I could breathe and gather my thoughts. Fight, Flight or Freeze are some exhausting feelings. So this morning, I mustered up a little hope, got dressed, made my lunch for the day, and headed in to work with a little more wind in my sails driven by that hope. Sometimes, that is all ya got and the phrase “fake it until you make it” was my plan for the day.
I got to work, lit some incense, turned on some tunes, and just started in. If I had a hot coffee I think I could conquer that day but improvised with a bottle of water and a Trader Joes PB&J bar. Will it get me through until 1am? Maybe? Probably not? Hell I dunno but I’m willing to go for it.
Am I scared? Yes. Am I more worried now than ever? Yes. Am I incredibly tired & sad? Yes.
Is there a fucking playlist full of nostalgic tunes and Hayley Williams/Paramore songs playing in my mind, regrettable things said or unsaid hanging over my head, and an array of emotions seeping into every fiber of my being? Yes.

Today the lyrics that are repeating in my head are …
“I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe
Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home.”

My mind is heavy but my heart is a little more full than it was yesterday.
But.. I showed up & I’m here. Even without coffee and that is pretty serious.

Sitting here with Love, Fear, Sorrow, Worry, Stress, Frustration, Hope….
all of these feelings while being fucking cold.