I love being cold and wearing sweatshirts and bulky sweaters. The weather here is heating up this week and I have to be honest… I’m not mad at it.

There’s been some dark, heavy, stressful, and sad days for months and for the first time (in a long time) I can’t wait to soak up the weather today and drive around this afternoon in this weather.

It’s a busy day at work which means we’ll be riding around downtown this afternoon and late evening and it feels like a good time to take a breath, look around, gain some sanity & calm back, and put things in to perspective.

There is so much uncertainty going on in the world right now, especially here in the US. With the unstable conditions of Iran , the meeting today to bring a proposal to purchase Greenland (I can’t believe that is something that is actually happening…. It’s embarrassing), and the chaos in Venezuela. Now they are threatening to bomb Mexico. What a shit show.

Trump stated last night he won’t tolerate Iran punishing and killing their protestors. Also stated that the people of Iran should rise up and basically overthrow their government. The irony of it all makes my brain do mental gymnastics that will fall short of a perfect landing. What the actual fuck is happening.

This is the kind of shit that has me absolutely terrified of WW3. If that shit goes down I will not survive, I know that. I don’t have the funds, the family, the nerve to make decisions. If shit goes down , I will definitely be in need of saving because … I don’t event know… fuck me running … this is a fucking mess.

So….shoving all that aside plus the day to day stress of my life… I need this day outside. It’s a much needed break from everything. Just cruising around town, sitting the desk, and cruising some more. It’s a long day but a good day.

Putting everything out of my mind and just staying focused on the beautiful weather, the happiness I feel today, and the hope I’m clinging to that things will be ok.

Even if it’s for one day. I’ll take it.

I am at a cross road. I’m emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. So I have two personalities jockeying for position currently.

One – depressed me that is overwhelmed by everything , crying myself to sleep at night with a playlist on repeat, not wanting to get out of bed, avoiding all gluten, cutting back on coffee, afraid to drive my car anywhere ( my tires are low, I haven’t had an oil change in a year… I’m terrified to drive any farther than my work and home) , cry and feel regret, worry myself sick about friend’s medical outcomes, numb out and disassociate, cry in the parking lot because I don’t want to grocery shop but also cry because I don’t have the money to grocery shop, be so upset that there are some evil fucked up people in the world and I feel useless in helping in any way shape or form, I think about my death at least twice a week, I’m worried because I don’t know if I have the skills to survive WW3, and cry some more.

Then there is cunty me that is fucking tired of men doing and saying WHATEVER they fucking want because they want it their way or no way else, go to bed mad because I want to light a match and burn it all the fuck down, I wanna eat a loaf of garlic bread with a jar of spaghetti sauce, I want a 32 oz coffee every other day.. fuck it … it’s the only think lately that doesn’t make me wanna walk the plank on a daily basis, I wanna get in my car and just drive the fuck away from here , I want to pretend for a weekend someplace else and have no responsibilities, room service, & wild nights with zero regrets, I am fucking tired of feeling guilty for loving people, i want to curse all the horrible fucking mean people in the world and smite my enemies, in the event of WW3 I think I could be an excellent informant that will cut you from balls to throat if you threaten me, my family, or my friends..:. Seriously from nuts to thorax. Fucking done with people not recognizing my worth and treating me like a consolation prize..:… burn it fucking down

Which of these alter egos will prevail?

Maybe I just need an oil change and a good hair cut & facial? I dunno I can’t figure it out all in one night.

Or….. I can just choose to be this chick…

On this day, 35 years ago my mother walked in to my room and said “I need to go to the hospital”.

There was a couple sentences exchanged here and there in the next 6 hours , but that was the last sentence I truly remember.

35 years ago, she went into the hospital to die and I would never talk to her again.

She was in and out of consciousness for a couple days but passed on January 4th. As the days get closer and closer to that date… I feel myself slowly slipping into sadness.

She was done with this world and didn’t want to be in it. She had enough of her life. She wasn’t happy. The man she loved was a fucking sick pedophile unfaithful alcoholic monster that treated her like a piece of shit. And it absolutely killed her to face that.

She was so unhappy and life wasn’t fair to her. Yet she was fair to everyone and kind.

I wish I was a little bit older when everything happened. I Would have done things differently for sure.

35 years ago… that seems like a lifetime that I’ve lived without her. Sometimes when the ones you love disappear you don’t realize how much time has gone by because you feel frozen in that moment of time. If you stay frozen there… you can’t forget them.

It’s been proven that I’m pretty forgettable but I wonder if she remembers me.

I would really like if she did .

It would be nice if someone remembered that I’m still here.

I hope she remembers

I am sill here

Please remember

Who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere

😢 ❤️

Ever since I saw this movie, I really thought that ONE day I would be lucky enough to get this ending on New Years. The dream (or expectation) is so much better than the reality.

So when the song played “what are you doing on New Year’s Eve” played tonight.. I was home in bed by 10pm. I stayed up and listened to music and to the barrage of fireworks going off in my neighborhood.

It’s funny how you can feel a range of emotions but in the end… the heart wants what it wants. Everything else is just a consolation prize.

Wishing you a happy and successful 2026. May you be surrounded by unconditional love, compassion, and understanding.