Another year is coming to a close and (wow) had it been a fucking rollercoaster of events.

It’s Christmas and I’ve taken presents to my son’s grandmother, visited with her, and now I’m back home and sitting in my car.. contemplating a lot. Processing has never been my strong point. If I process , I have to see things for what they are…. In my case … it’s usually never a good thing.

This year has really put a crack in my rose colored glasses. Owning a business for the first time has been rough. Not having any family (good or bad) has been different… there’s a lot of silence. Trying to heal from traumatic events: financial rollercoasters , possibly losing my business that I worked so hard for, still healing an ever ending heartache, coming to grips that love isn’t a common thing and only happens once in a lifetime & the world is either with you or against you, my fathers passing (which is a blessing and a curse because he is truly the most evil person I’ve ever interacted with), I lost my aunt to cancer, my other aunt (who I love dearly) has had surgeries through out the year, and recently a loved one recently told me he could have cancer and is getting testing and possible surgery and I’m holding him in my thoughts every day because I need him to be ok and well and happy and loved and fucking here on this planet.

2025 can seriously go fuck itself.

But here I sit , in my car, contemplating it all. The hows , and whys, and what ifs. Sometime I would like my brain to just stop thinking for an hour. But honestly, the quiet may kill me.

Spending Christmas alone always is a bit tough. My mom would make everything so beautiful. We would drive around and look at Christmas lights and listen to music and sing a long or laugh about stories & situations. I miss her. I use to drag my little brother around and try to carry on the tradition. He was too young when she passed to remember we did that. Then he got older and didn’t want to do it anymore. Then I started dragging my kid around and now he’s in his 20’s and I don’t think I can force him to drive around with me😂. I guess it’s not happening this year.. and honestly. … it’s probably a time when I need it the most. This year has been so rough. I don’t have much hope in me and what belief I had in Magic & whimsical fairy tales with amazing endings is dying a slow and painful death. That makes me incredibly sad.

The music, the lights, laughing your ass off… those things are so healing to me. I miss that magic.

Well… I’m gonna go make some Trader Joe’s Gluten free mac (not sponsored in any way shape or form… although I would take it 😂) then I’m going take a nap and maybe I’ll feel a bit better? Then i’ll probably watch stranger things and then throw on John Cusack’s greatest hits, and buried myself in blankets and pillows.

I didn’t intend for this post to be such a downer (especially on Christmas ) but… I can’t fake I’m ok with everything today. My apologies.

I just really miss the people I love today and missing that Christmas magic.

Hope all of you are having a beautiful holiday, surrounded by people who love & appreciate you for you and give you the most unconditional love possible.

Happy Holidays – Wishing you all the best ❤️