I’m struggling to find something nice to say lately. Thoughts have been blurred by pessimism and wrapped in hopelessness.

I’m finding out that most of the people in this world are out for themselves and don’t give a fuck about anyone while the rest only want to use you when it’s convenient for them to. In the end, they still don’t give a fuck.

There is that small percentage that may actually care but are so jaded by their trauma from abusive and traumatic situations … they give up. I get it… I’m to the point of giving up. I’m not at the point “if you can’t beat them, join them” sort of thing. But… I am teetering on the edge of survival mode and throwing it all away.

Humans are self centered and incredibly selfish. Many think that their shit is more important. There is an open wound of accountability or honesty. There is a lack. In that void is a beautiful life swallowed by darkness.

I am to the point that I don’t trust anyone or anything. Through out the day my guard is up and I’m keeping a sharp eye and recording everything anyone says in my mind because I don’t trust them.

At this point , all the lies have been said. All the truths are brought to light. People will tell me “you make me feel better” while I’m absolutely shattered and just trying to make it out alive. So i put in a fake smile and try to be as cooperative as I can. If I don’t do that, I’m too intense, too sensitive, too much too observant, too open, too honest, too selfish for wanting to be treated with the same respect I give them. Difficult. Complicated. I believe that’s what they call it.

Empty promises. Forgotten Dreams. Broken Hearts, Dimmed spirit.

The last three nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve lost hope in people. For once I would love to be able to trust someone because I’ve been given horrible examples time and time and time again . It’s sad that at the age of 4 you learn to distrust and now over 50 a time when life slows down and the curtain slowly draws closed on the show.. I still am unable to trust.

The thought of that hurts my heart.

I don’t want money or a big house or a fancy car or a designer handbag… I never wanted to be a big CEO in power or in charge…. I just want some fucking peace, safety, and to trust.

Honesty. Is that an old fashioned word?

No one wants to be honest.

Why?

Somedays , I want to erase everything I know and start over and be a blissfully ignorant and naive person. I’d rather not know that people could choose to be decent and honest but instead hurt people for selfish reasons .

Trust is a word that is nonexistent in my life.

And all I can do is cry. There is no other choice at this point and time.

They will starve you, bleed you dry, or bury you so you don’t exist.

It’s hard to care deeply and not be cared about. So you just shut it off. You turn everything off so you don’t feel.

But it hurts. Deep down (hidden) it hurts.

Not existing is what hurts the most.