Welp… I write this with 12 cents in my account and a frustration that burns me to my core.

As the cost of everything keeps rising and (honestly it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better) I’m definitely fighting to stay above water.

Rent went up over $100 extra a month, my health insurance went up and extra $90 a month resulting in me canceling it ( then of course with my luck went straight to the ER a week after canceling and had over $7000 of tests and scans ran) , car insurance went up and extra $20 a month, gas is up, and groceries … ya all I gotta say about that is what a bunch of fucking bullshit. I won’t even start about my taxes I have to pay for my business, considering I still owe $11,000 from last year let I make a little over $3,000 a month.

This is America.

And half the population thinks it’s rad I guess? I’m not really understanding.

I was told… “oh no. Don’t worry. You see.. it’s going to get better. Just wait and see. Prices will go down. Things will be great.” Who are you fucking gaslighting? Yourself??

Adding to that, we have had a fuck ton of violent crimes this year. Kids being taken away from us while they are at school, activist gone for having an opinion , assaults are on the rise , political violence…. I mean fuck man. A dude just tried to fuck up a LGBTQ nightclub in my town because he was doing it for “political reasons” and in the name of someone who passed away (wtf!?!)

Oh and media (because they are afraid to do fucking anything now) just glossed over the facts on the death of a student at a Mississippi college who was found hung in a tree. Cops told the family … oops it was suicide and he was found on campus. That was a lie. Also, who beats themselves up to where they have bruises all over them, the. Breaks their own legs, then hangs himself from a tree? Are you fucking kidding me? This same school had a teacher gunned down in his office last year because they didn’t like he was teaching Native American history. Everybody is ok with this?

Yesterday , on record, our president said that basically no media should say anything bad about him and basically said why should we give them a license for that? It was a very odd and twisted interview that was far worse than “old drunk uncle Ben at the family party talking out his ass again “ vibes .

This is slipping into “Authoritarian” vibes instead. If you disagree. That’s cool. I don’t know if I should feel compassion and feel sorry for you or feel frustrated that you are so easily taken advantage of.

Oh and everyone in Congress pretty much sucks. Do we have anyone with half a brain there? Sadly, no.

I could go on and on about how I feel about it but God forbid I speak my mind on what’s happening around me and to my community with out hurting the feelings of others that don’t care to hear about actual issues or real -life situations .

How long will some of you keep your head buried in the sand? Also, is it an ego thing for you to admit that we are in a total shit show and falling fast? Or is it masochistic thing you got going on as things go from bad to worse? Is it that you have given up and feel you aren’t worthy of a better life because you are stuck where you’re at so everyone else should be miserable too kind of thing? Or are you just a heartless person that has zero compassion, show sociopathic tendencies, and hate puppies & happiness? No seriously. What is it that makes a lot of you think this is awesome?

I’m so disappointed in people. I grieve the loss of humanity. I’ve never felt so broken, worried, despair, and beat down in my life…. And I’ve been through some of the most toxic- narcissistic abuse for many years… and this feels worse.

I get it. You love something or someone so much you are willing to “stick it out” , “turn the other cheek”, or “be the bigger person” all for the sake of you holding on the a delusional hope that one day they will love you, see you for who you are, or show you an ounce of compassion or care. You make excuses for their behavior. You blame yourself. You even stay for the gaslighting because they must be right. You would crawl over broken glass for them to give you 15 min of what your heart truly desires.

One day … you may wake up. You may realize, I don’t need them in my life to get what my heart truly desires. They were keeping me in a choke hold while blaming ME that I can’t breathe.

I look around and just see angry, tired, frustrated and broken people. All trying their best (some are falling short on the effort) but still trying to survive through this wacky-fucked-up game show of life. Does anyone know the perfect solution? Probably not. But… what I choose or how I choose to survive will not harm another person , starve a child, make someone feel inferior or not worthy, lie or lie for evil people, excuse predatory or abusive behavior, cherry pick versus in a bible or words in the constitution to excuse my words or behavior, or put down someone for their race, sexual preference or religion.

I am very broken today and feel extremely defeated. I grieve for humanity. My heart is broken by how cruel it is lately. How awful and evil people can be and excuse their behavior with some ridiculous excuse. How greedy people are that they will suck your livelihood, life, love, hope, snd dreams right out of you so that they can feel important and get off on it.

It’s sick.

Im tired of crying and staying up all night worrying of the “how’s” and “why’s” Im so tired.

It’s like… you try to do the right thing and just live your life and work to survive while you feel like someone is stepping on your neck and yelling at you to get up.

I’m so tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of seeing buildings obliterated with hungry children with dirt all over their innocent little faces with eyes that show so much pain and worry. I’m tired of people getting hurt or taken away from their families, never to return. I’m tired of kids losing a parent at a young age. I’m tired of the fucking violence and the people that make excuses for it.

My heart is broken and I don’t understand why or how some are good with things. I don’t understand.

Money… it seems to rule over everything. Without it, you are just a number on a sheet of paper that is quietly forgot about.

You would think at this point I would be a pro at being forgotten about. It’s happened to me time , and time , and time again . I’m only worthy if someone needs something from me. I’m only needed as a last resort. I am never loved but need to show others how much they are loved.

Sometimes, I wish I did have a lot of money. Maybe it’s easier to disappear, restructure your life that you aren’t feeling so low. You bury your head in the sand so you don’t get hurt? Maybe?

I dunno. I don’t have the answers .. clearly. Look at where I’m at.

There’s got to be a better way than all this. There’s got to be a way. This can’t be it.

I’m not sure how much more I can handle. It’s just.. overwhelmingly sad

I am overwhelmingly sad.